My love walk

One area in my life that God is starting to dig into is the area of my relationships and my love walk. As long as I can remember, I have never made the relationship in my life a big priority. Yes I have a lot of friends and all, but I haven't really ever had any long-term, strong bonded friendships. I will have close friends for a couple of months or a year or so but somehow the friendship grows weak after time and I find a new friend to fill their place.

I really don't know the root cause of why I can't achieve or maintain strong quality relationships with people. Some of the reason could be my selfishness. Another reason could be me being afraid of letting someone get close enough to really hurt me. Low self-esteem could be another reason because I don't feel like someone will truly accept me for who I am and I'm unable to show me true self. Plus I think that my lack of communication skills plays a part in it too.

When I was young, I never really had any true friends. Most of my childhood I was rejected from my piers. When I got into high school, I had a group of some good friends but I pretty much stayed to myself. I went to a tiny school and I graduated with 19 in my class. The whole entire junior high and high school combined had about a total of 100 kids. It was hard going to a small school because you couldn't really 'pick' your friends. You had your 'cool' group of kids that I didn't enjoy hanging out with (even though I wanted to hang out with them to be accepted) and the 'loser' group. I was in between and I kept to myself. Doing so keep me out of trouble. My parents were very strict and they monitored every move I made. At the time, my parents drove me nuts but as I grow older and I'm around people who's parents weren't there for them and didn't care what they were doing when they were in school, I become a little more appreciative of them and I feel very blessed to have parents that love me.

I think one of the reasons why it's hard for me to communicate with others is because I was sheltered in my childhood and I wasn't really able to be myself. My parent were always in my business and were asking me constantly what I was doing. It cause me to disconnect from them (and other people for that matter)and still, to this day, it is hard in a way to communicate with them. I feel like if I open up and be myself and let them know everything that I'm doing, they are just going to nag me and tell me what I'm doing wrong. It wasn't till I was I junior or senior in college when they finally stopped comparing me to my sister. That was a issue I wrestled with them till they finally could accept the fact that my sister and I are to totally different people and they have to accept each of us for who we truly are. I love my parents to death and they have done their best raising me and I feel extremely blessed to have such wonderful parents but it's only reality that we can't have picture perfect childhoods. I think because they were so in my business when I was younger has cause me to be a loner now and why I feel safe keeping to myself and isolating myself from the outside world.

Since I have been here in California I haven't really made an effort to keep connected with the people back home. I pretty much have not maintained any contact with the people I worked with. A lot of people call me but for some reason, I either don't answer the phone and I battle with my flesh for a couple of days before I call them back or I give into my flesh and don't call them back at all. I don't understand myself. I like the people and I don't have anything against them and I don't have any reason to avoid them but for some reason, I avoid them any way....Craziness....Who knows...I'm a very unique creature to say the least.

Although this last week, I'm starting to get a passion for keeping connected with the people I let myself get disconnected from. A lot of the people from home has been in my thoughts. But it's still hard for me to quit procrastinating and just contact them. I just need to start choosing what is right and not live my life by what my feelings and my flesh want me to do. It's so crazy how God works because 3 people whom I had been thinking about lately called me today. I was so excited to hear from them and I'm making a promise to myself that I am going to make an sincere effort to stay connected to them. Since I have been here, I haven't really had a desire to go home and visit but today I got the desire to and I'm getting excited about going home and seeing my family, my friends and the people I used to work with.

While I was reading the 15th(Formed for God's family) and 16th(What Matters Most) chapters/days in the "Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren, I got really convicted about my love walk. God's 2nd purpose for our life is God wants a family and he created us to be a part of it. After learning to love God (worship), learning to love others is the second purpose of your life. God is love and he treasures relationships. One thing that surprised me was that our spiritual family is even more important than our physical family because it will last forever. Our spiritual family, our relationship to other believers, will continue throughout eternity. It is a much stronger bond, a more permanent bond, than blood relationships. One thing I need to start thinking about is how I can start treating other believers like members of my own family.

Because God is love, the most important lesson he wants us to learn on earth is how to love. It is in loving that we are most like him, so love is the foundation of every command he has given us. "The whole law can be summed up in this one command: 'Love others as you love yourself.'"(Galatians 5:14) Learning to love unselfishly is definitely not an easy task. That is why we're given a lifetime to learn it. God wants us to love everyone, but he is particularly concerned that we learn to love other's in his family. Peter tells us, "Show special love for God's people." (1 Peter 2:17) God wants his family to be known for its love more than anything else. Jesus said our love for each other, not our doctrinal beliefs, is our greatest witness to the world. God wants us to be in regular, close relationships with other believers so we can develop the skill of loving.

Love cannot be learned in isolation. We have to be around people - irritation, imperfect, frustrating people. At my work environment, there are plenty of associates and customers whom are very unique and hard to get along with. I believe that one of the reasons why God wanted me in the job that I'm in, here in this city of California, was because He wanted to do some major work in life in terms of my communication skills and in my love walk. The first day I arrived in this city I realized that. Most people think I'm crazy for wanting to come to this area and do what I do as a job. For the most part, (with God's grace and help of course!) I feel like I am doing a good job so far in the way I have been treating and accepting people. I'm not near where I need to be, but so far I'm happy in the way I have been progressing.

Love should be our top priority, primary objective and greatest ambition. "Let love be your greatest aim."(1 Corinthians 14:1) Relationships must have priority in life above everything else. That truth is one that really convicted me. In my past, I would always put myself and my schedule above my relationships and that is one of the reasons why many of my relationship bonds diminished. I acted as if relationships were something to be squeezed into my schedule. But God says relationship are what life is all about. Busyness is a great enemy of relationships. Life without love is really worthless. God has given us a desire for relationships and if we don't have loving relationships in our life, we will always feel unfulfilled. I am currently feeling that unfulfillness because I let my busy schedule rule over the time I should be spending connecting with my new and old friends.

4 of the 10 Commandments deal with our relationship to God while the other six deal with our relationships with people. God said, "'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart...' This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments."(Matthew 25:34-46)

Relationships, not achievements or the acquisitions for things, are what matter most in life. How you treat other people, not your wealth or accomplishments, is the most enduring impact you can leave on earth. In our final moments, we all will realize that relationships are what life is all about.

One of the ways God measures spiritual maturity is by the quality of your relationships. God will review how you treated other people, particularly those in need. "Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me."(Matthew 25:40) When you transfer into eternity, you will leave everything else behind. All you're taking with you is your character...that's a really convicting statement. "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."(Galatians 5:6) Why should God give us another day if we are going to waste it?

The importance of things can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest in them. The more time we give to something, the more we reveal its importance and value to us. Time is the most precious gift because we only have a set amount of it. When we give someone our time, we are giving them a portion of our life that we will never get back. We must prove the importance of relationships by investing time in them. "My children, our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action."(1 John 3:18) Whenever you give your time, you are making a sacrifice and sacrifice is the essence of love. Love means giving up - yielding my preferences, comfort, goals, security, money, energy, or time for the benefit fo someone else.

I have got so caught up in the busyness of the world that I lost sense of the most important thing in life....relationships. Relationships with people, family, and most importantly God. At work I'm is constantly busy with things but I really need to slow down and spend more time with my associates and get to know them better so can show them I care about them and I appreciate them. Plus I need to slow down and provide good customer service to the customers and make them feel special. I also need to make the new Christian friends I have been blessed with a priority and make time to establish a strong bonds with them as well as making time to connect with the people back home a priority. I need to start making spending time with God a priority again and strive to pray without ceasing.

We don't know how long we will have the opportunity. Circumstances change. People die. Children grow up. We have no guarantee of tomorrow. If you want to express love, you'd better do it now. How will you explain those times when projects of things were more important to you than people? Who do you need to start spending more time with? What do you need to cut out of your schedule to make that possible? What sacrifices do you need to make?


My daily morning prayer:
"God, whether I get anything else done today, I want to make sure that I spend time loving you and loving other people - because that's what life is all about. I don't want to waste this day."

Revelation & the dark night of the soul

Lately I have not made spending time with God and spending time in the word a priority. I know that my strength comes from being in the word and when I don't spend quality time in the word, I feel the consequences and I lose my strength and peace. Jesus said, "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God."(Matthew 4:4)

I have been struggling lately and I am in desperate need of the word. I had today off and my main priority was to spend some quality time with my Heavenly Father. Until the last couple of weeks, I would always read for an hour or so before I would go to bed. But lately, I would put if off and not do it or I would try and read but I would fall asleep before I could even finish reading the first page. Today I listened to Joyce Meyer speak for a couple of hours and then I read and took notes on the book "Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. This book has been such a blessing to me and I think it is a book everyone should read at least once. The chapters/days I read today was 14(When God Seems Distant), 15(Formed For God's Family), and 16(What Matters Most).

Both the book and what Joyce was speaking about reveled to me some major truths that I needed to hear and it helped me view what's going on in my life in a different light. Currently I have been beating myself up pretty bad about my behavior and the situation I am in. I have been feeling a lot of shame and guilt because I have not conquered my food battle, the battle I have to go through if I want to see God's purpose for my life to come true. On top of that, my life feels crazy and I am feeling distant from God and I feel like he is punishing me in many ways for my disobedience. I lost a lot of my peace and joy because I felt like I was disappointing Him. It blesses me to know now that God is not mad at me and that he is testing me to bring me up to a higher level with Him.

To mature the friendship, God will test it with periods of seeming separation -times when it feels as if he has abandoned or forgotten me. God has promised, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."(Deuteronomy 31:8) But God has not promised, "you will always feel my presence." When I did everything I could think of and God still seemed distant I started to wonder what the heck was wrong with me. The truth was, there is nothing wrong with me. This is a normal part of the testing and maturing of your friendship with God. Every Christian goes through it at least once and usually several times. The testing is painful and disconcerting, but is absolutely vital for the development of your faith. The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking Him during a trial, trusting him when tempted, surrendering while suffering, and loving Him when he seems distant.

Because God seemed distant from me, I felt as if He was angry with me or was disciplining me for some sin. Sin does disconnect us from intimate fellowship with God. We grieve God's spirit and quench our fellowship with Him by disobedience, conflict with others, busyness, friendship with the world and other sins.(Psalm 51; Ephesians 4:29-30; Thessalonians 5:19; Jeremiah 2:23; 1 Corinthians 8:12; James 4:4) It's so refreshing to hear that often the feeling of abandonment or estrangement from God has nothing to do with sin. It is a test of faith - one we all must face. One which will show if we continue to love, trust, obey and worship God when we have no sense of his presence or visible evidence of His work in our life. God often removes our feelings so we don't depend on them. Seeking a feeling, even the closeness to Christ, is not worship. Faith, not feelings, pleases God. The situations that will stretch our faith most will be those times when life falls apart and God is no where to be found. Admitting our hopelessness to God can be a statement of faith.

During times of spiritual dryness we must patiently rely on the promises of God, not our emotions, and realize that He is taking us to a deeper level of maturity. We shouldn't be troubled by trouble because circumstances cannot change the character of God. Job held on to God's word and said, " I have not departed from the commands of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread."(Job 23:13) Job's trust in God's word caused Job to remain faithful even though nothing made sense. His faith was strong in the midst of pain. "God may kill me, but I will trust him."(Job 13:15)

We must remember what God has already done for us. "Christ was without sin, but for our sake God made him share our sin in order that in union with him we might share the righteouness of God."(2 Corinthians 5:21) Jesus gave up everything so we could have everything. He died so we could live forever. That alone is worthy of our continual thanks and praise. Never again should we wonder what we have to be thankful for. In times of trouble is the time we need to hold on more than ever to God. We need to focus on who God is and His unchanging nature. He is good, he loves us and he knows what we're going though, he cares and he has a good plan for our life.

After learning this truth, I have become aware of some of the ways in which I am passing the test and ways in which I am failing the test. Like today, I failed because I didn't go to church because I didn't feel like it. When I feel shame and guilt, I isolate myself. Another example is last week at the Spirit West Coast Christian music festival, I didn't stay and fulfill my commitment by being on the ministry team and serving during the alter calls because I had my own issues I was dealing with and I felt distant from God and I didn't have enough faith in God because I feared that I wasn't connected enough with Him which would have enable me to minister to the people that wanted to accept Jesus Christ as their Savior.

The harder it is for me to do something, the more powerful it is going to be when I do it. I have to act right when I feel wrong. I need to learn to do what right not because of a feeling I have but because of a choice I must make. Plus, I need to quit being selfish and quit having a religious attitude. There is only one thing that will keep my mind off of myself and it is to purposely keep my mind on what I can do for someone else. I need to do something for someone else or I'm not going to he happy. It is more of a blessing to give than to receive. God wants cheerful givers. I'm so tired of being selfish and self-centered because it is causing me to lose all of my zeal and passion and my joy. No matter how big my problem is, there is someone else out there that has a bigger problem and what will solve my problem is to do something for them. I need to reach out and use my gift of compassion.

One statement that Joyce Meyer said that convicted me was "don't let your miracle become your memorial." That was exactly what I was letting happen. We can't become ho-hum and let our beautiful miracles (salvation, new birth, job, etc...) become our memorial. I have to get a new attitude so I can have fire again. God wants us to serve him with fire. The devil is scared of fire. God doesn't want dead stuff. He wants living sacrifices. God wants me to serve him with a burning desire, not out of obligation. I should feel privileged to serve him for all that he has done for me!

The greater the battle, the greater the glory

I had been doing so well on cleaning out my body and eating the way I felt I was led by the Lord till my birthday. I figured that since it was my birthday, I was going to have a free day with no guilt or shame and I would enjoy my day and the food I was given. Well that compromise let the door open to the devil again. I got really sick the next day and ever since I have felt like my body is mad at me by the way it is acting and by the way I physically and emotionally feel. I think all my hard work I did the last couple of weeks went down the drain by the way I have been eating the last 6 days.

For the last couple of months I have been so excited about Spirit West Coast, which is the largest and only multiple-day Christian music festival in the Southwest United States. I have a strong passion for Christian music and I felt like it would be a good place for me to connect with other Christian believers. My church was needing volunteers to be on the ministry team to help with the evening alter calls. Even though that position scared me and I've never done anything like that before, I felt like if it is God's will for me to do, then he would give me the power to make an impact on someone's life.

I has very happy that I was taking the bold step out of my comfort zone to do something for someone else. I attended the alter call training about a week and a half ago and I knew that if I was going to have any power in this, then I was going to have to start fasting and start praying some serious prayers specifically for Spirit West Coast.

Since I know that I have been compromising lately and I have not been obeying what God has told me to do, I have let myself come under some major shame and condemnation and it has separated me from the Lord and I have lost a lot of my power. Sin causes man to be separated from God and I couldn't connect with Jesus, it was hard for me to pray, I lost my motivation and energy to study the word and I feel like I'm lost in the fire.

First of all, the devil is a liar and because I'm a Christian, I should not feel condemned. At the moment of your Christian conversion, God declared you virtuous. As a person, God sees you as perfect. The bible says, "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1)."Because of what Christ did for us; God decided to make us holy in His eyes, without a single fault - we who stand before him covered with his love" (Ephesians 1:4 TLB). Therefore a Christian should never experience self-condemnation.

Although, since I was compromising and sinning and I was full of shame and guilt, I was disconnected from my Holy Father and that's the worst feeling to have. Last night and this morning, I was dreading going to Spirit West Coast. For so long I has pumped about the festival and now I don't even want to go. I forced myself into going but the whole day was spiritual warfare. After I finally dragged myself out of bed and got around, I didn't get to the festival till about 2 or so. But when I finally got there, I was already ready to leave. The whole day I was in a cranky mood and food was constantly on my mind. I couldn't even enjoy the day or the music and entertainment because I couldn't focus on anything else other than what my flesh was screaming out that it wanted, which was restricted (for me) food. And of course, I once again gave into my fleshly desires and sinned several times and it totally runt my day. I was physically and emotionally drained. Plus, the whole day I was being selfish and fighting with myself about volunteering in the evening. I didn't have the passion for it anymore and I'm wasn't prepared but I was going to force myself to stay anyway. Then I felt like God was telling me that he doesn't want my works with no love or passion behind it because it it doesn't bring Him any glory. So I decided to leave but I fear the consequences that I will receive from this one. I made a commitment to do something and I didn't do it.

There was times today where I had to be strong from crying because I felt so broken. Being in the situation I'm in and being around all these people at the festival, I felt so alone. Although, being by myself gave me some time to seriously think about the position I'm in and what I need to do to get my life back together. God will restore me and make me new but I need to die to myself and totally surrender my life to him so I can live. I hate the way I feel right now and I hate being so disconnected from God. When am I totally going to wake up and quit trying to live me life the way I want to? I know that God knows what is best for me but I am having so much trouble giving it all to him. There a piece of my life, the piece of what I choose to eat, that I haven't been able to give up yet. And that piece is the most important piece because it is the battle that I have to go through that will qualify me for God's purpose for my life. God will give me the strength & power to do it. Jesus said, "With God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26)

Even though I am feeling distressed by the number of spiritual battles and temptations I'm facing, I should be glad because the devil sees me as a threat. If we are truly following the Lord as we ought to, then we are a threat to the kingdom of Satan, and we will face opposition. Satan's goal is to keep believers from moving forward spiritually, and hence, the spiritual battle begins (Ephesians 6:12). He knows that he cannot overpower God. Therefore, he must draw believers out by their own free will. Throughout Scripture, we see that one of the most effective strategies he utilizes is compromise. It's time for me to repent and make a clean break. And in the future, I don't need to make any more deals with the devil. The compromised life is a danger way to live.

I'm not going to give up Devil! The greater the battle the greater the glory!!!!



Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2)

Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple (1 Corinthians 3:16-17)

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ (Romans 5:1)

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21)

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross (Colossians 2:13-14)

"Your own wickedness will correct you, and your backslidings will rebuke you. Know therefore and see that it is an evil and bitter thing that you have forsaken the Lord your God. . . ." (Jeremiah 2:19 )

"Return, you backsliding children, and I will heal your backslidings" (Jeremiah 3:22)

Rebellious ways

Yet another day I wasted being a selfish rebel in regards to how I ate today. I don't even have the energy to whine about it anymore........ All I know is that the more I give into my sinful ways the farther away I feel from God.

Consequences

Today was a rough day at work. I had to open at 7 when I got off at 9 last night and I'm very tired. I didn't feel well at all from eating all that junk from my birthday and I'm so surprised that was body was that clean. But, I also think that the Chinese food I ate last night might have been spoiled of something. But who knows. All I know is that I puked once this morning and I had to go several times to the restroom..... My body really hates me right now. Plus everyone at work seemed to be in a grouchy mood, along with myself, and I just wanted to go home.

Lately work has been so crazy and I've been so tired and busy and I haven't been making spending quality time w/ Jesus a priority. I'm definitely feeling the negative consequences of that this week. I'm excited that I have a day of tomorrow so I can rewind a little and spend some time with Jesus.

I don't know how many times I'm going to learn the lesson that there is no peace when you don't make it a priority to spend quality time with God every day. He is my strength and I need him!

A year ago

Today I turned 23. I think back to last year on my birthday and I remember just how far I have come in my walk with the Lord and I'm reminded on just how much God has delivered me from. Last summer I partied it up pretty hard and I was drinking a lot. I think the week of my birthday, three of the four nights I went out I got trashed pretty bad and I think 2 of those nights I even puked. After that week I realized just how much I was destroying my temple that God blessed me with. First of all, I was binge drinking. Second of all, I was binge drinking while I was taking 6 or so different medications.

I had been drawling closer to God the last couple of months at that time but around my birthday time was when God started to deal with me on the drinking/parting area of my life. I cut back on how many days I went out and I cut down on the amount I consumed. As I gradually became closer to God, the more he dealt with me on this issue. It wasn't till November of last year, when I was baptized in the holy spirit, that God delivered me and set me free from this bondage. I still went out a couple of times in the months of Nov, Dec and Jan but it just wasn't the same. I didn't have the desire to go to the bar anymore or to act or dress the way I used to. I didn't have the desire to be around those who wanted to act like that anymore. I would go to the bar just so I could spend time with my friends. I enjoyed hanging out with my friends but I didn't want to be a part of that mess anymore.

Even though God took that desire of the bar away from me, drinking in general is a weak area for me. It was extremely hard for me to go to the bar and not drink. There was times I did it but it was a struggle. And when I did choose to drink, it was also hard for me to go to the bar and just have a drink or so. Usually, if I was drinking, I was getting drunk.

I'm so proud of myself because since February, I have drank about 4 times. One of those times in April I got drunk and another one of those times, which was in the beginning of May, I was buzzin pretty bad.

I'm so joyful that God has changed me and made me a better person. There is a lot about me and my life that God needs to fix but thank God he doesn't deal with me about everything all in one day. Also, it is so uplifting and freeing to know that God has forgiven me for my sins and he has given me the righteousness of God. None of us can avoid falling into premeditated sin at one time or another. It is just the carnal nature within us, but how we handle that situation will determine how God deals with us. John said, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).



"Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins" 1 John 4:10

"Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood . . . to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever" Revelation 1:5, 6

Happy Birthday to Me...

Today was a good day. Even though I had to work on my birthday, I still enjoyed my day and thanked God for his many blessings.

Many people at work today made a special effort to make my birthday special. One of the assistants that I work with, whom I joke around with about being my California mom, came in on her day off and brought me a cake. She told me that she doesn't know what it feels like to be alone and not with family on her birthday and she just wanted to let me know that I'm in her heart today. It was so sweet to hear that, especially from someone who usually doesn't show her emotional side. That means a lot because my mother loves to cook and it blesses her to cook for others and I have always had a wonderful cake for my birthday. I think she felt sad because this is the first birthday that she couldn't make me a cake. My mom joked earlier this week about how she would make me a cake but she didn't think I would want to eat it after it got shipped to me. Another sweet lady that is an associate made me a pan of caramel brownies. Everyone else that knew it was my birthday made an effort to wish me a happy birthday. It's a wonderful feeling to know that there are people how care about me and I'm beginning to experience the family culture of the company.

I'm excited because I started my day off today at work sharing with an associate a little about how God changed my life. He asked me if I was going out tonight and I told him no and he asked why. He thought something bad happened in my life to stop me from going to the bar and parting but I told him that it was something good that happened in my life and God changed me and made me new. Plus I was able to explain to him who I'm not religious and I believe that God deals with us each individually on different stuff in different seasons of our life.

Another blessing I received today was the new friends that I met last week at my church ministry group called me and wished me happy birthday. Since I was working I couldn't hang out with them but next week they are taking me out to celebrate my birthday. It feels good to finally start to get connected to some people who are cool that I can relate with.

Since it was my birthday, I let myself off of my strict veg diet and let myself enjoy my birthday. I didn't realize how clean my body was from bad food till I ate some of my birthday cake and after I had a couple of brownies. Almost immediately I could till my body was trying to release the toxins that I consumed because of the taste in my mouth and by the way my stomach was acting. I let myself eat some Chinese food for supper. I had moo goo gai pan which is one the more healthier meals you can get at an American Chinese place. It's a bunch of vegetables stir fried with pork. Later that night I started to feel kinda bad and I hope I don't feel bad in the morning but it scares me because I probably will.

Need to quit worrying

I have been worrying that the guy I have been excited about coming to see me is not going to come and see me any more. I replied back to his email telling him that I would like to see him too and that I wanted him to let me know as soon as possible what day he would be here so I could plan in advance. It has been a week now since I sent the second message and he hasn't replied back to me yet.

I know that because I am worrying, I'm not right with God and I'm not fully trusting in him. I need to quit worrying about it and give the whole situation to God to handle...I'm just having problems doing that.

I'm just glad that I'm still being obedient in working out and eating right. This could be a test about my obedience and about my love and trust for God...who knows... Or God could have just been using him a tool to stir me up and get my fire and passion back for living life. Either way, something good is going to come out of this situation. What makes the journey exciting is not knowing what God is going to do next.

Laziness

One thing I am realizing is that it was my laziness that was putting the fire out. The less lazy I am, the more fire I have for living life. The devil likes dead stuff...he likes dead praise, dead works, dead attitudes, etc. So I have do my best to keep myself from having a dead spirit. Another thing else I am learning is that you are the one responsible for motivating and encouraging yourself. You can't depend on anyone else to do it.

The sun is starting to shine again

I'm so excited that my joy is coming back and I'm getting my passion that I once had back. I was stuck in a season of compromise and I'm glad to be finally breaking through to the next season God has planned for my life. Life is great because I am not struggling to eat right and I'm not struggling to motivate myself to go workout. God has picked me off the ground once again and by God's beautiful grace, he is healing my body each day. Even though I had a long and tiring day at work, I'm still full of joy and I still thank him for the job he has blessed me with and the position he has allowed me to have.

Because I just found out that I might see someone special in 3 weeks, my thinking has dramatically changed. It has just came aware to me now how much I was compromising on taking care of my body. Now, all of a sudden, I want to do what's best so I can look my best. Why didn't I always want to look me best before I knew he might be out here. I have put so much on hold because of my procrastination. I put on hold getting my body in shape and I put on hold fixing my apartment up and decorating it. Even though I was believing God to send me a man and to send me friends, I know am realizing that I have been double minded on the issue the whole time. If I wanted double-minded on that issue, I wouldn't have put all of that on hold.

Even if he doesn't like me or if I don't see him, that's ok because I have trust in God that he will send me the right person at the right time.

One more step out of my comfort zone

Today I took another big step out of my comfort zone. I showed up at a college to 30 years of age ministry group meeting tonight. I didn't know anybody and I didn't know what to expect. I'm such a reserve and shy person and doing stuff like this is so hard for me but I didn't let myself talk me out of going. I prayed the whole way to the meeting because I was definitely going to need the strength from God. The first 15 minutes I was there went by very slow and I started wondering why I even showed up. Finally after a while more people started showing up and I met 3 really nice and cool girls who I could relate with. We all exchanged number and they want to hang out with me sometime so I'm excited about that. For the most part, it was a good experience for me.

I'm also proud of myself because the last two days I have been doing really well at not giving in to my temptations! I'm one more day closer to my victory!!!!


"Happy is the man who doesn't give in and do wrong when he is tempted, for afterwards he will get as his reward the crown of life that God has promised those who love him." -James 1:12

"When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." -Galatians 5:22-23

"Put on the full armor og God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." -Ephesians 6:11

Life is Beautiful with God

Last night it was hard for me to fall asleep because I had so much going through my head and I couldn't stop praising God. It's good to have my passion and motivation back!

Work was good today. I didn't really procrastinate and everything went smoothly and I had a lot of help from the associates on some projects that needed to be done.

After work I went and worked out and had another powerful workout.

The amazing marvelous ways of God

If you could see my face right now, you would see a face glowing with joy with a huge smile. Once again God never ceases to amaze me by the way he works.

God put a man across my path about a year and a half ago. There was just something particularly special about this gentleman that made a major impression on my heart and life. I dated him for about a month and I fell pretty hard for him. Things were wonderful in the beginning but it seems that once we let sin enter the relationship, everything fell apart, he broke up with me and I fell to pieces. He was the first and only guy I really ever dated whom I really could talk about God with and the only one whom I could see the love for God in his heart. I had been in college 3 years now and I didn't go to church anymore after I graduated from high school. I thought all churches was like the one I went to for my whole life...which was a dead church that had no spiritual power. He introduced me to a wonderful, annoited church that I was termindacly blessed by and that church help me have a passion for the church. I was so screwed up but after that relationship, only the grace, love and mercy from God saved me and made me whole again.

That relationship was a major turning point in my life. I went through a lot of pain that God turned into something good and I am so blessed now because it has made me become a better person in so many ways. I had a lot of bitterness and unforgiveness towards this man for a long time and I finally was able to forgive him and myself in November when I got born again, spirit filled. Since God showed me forgiveness, that enable me to forgive others. God put it upon my heart to write this man a letter expressing my deep, heart-felt apologies for the way I acted. It was very hard and embarrassing to do but I was obedient and did it anyway.

After we stopped dating, we stayed some what in touch for a couple of months. Then he moved to a diffent country for half a year and I really haven't talked to him much since he has back. I was talking to him one day in the store before I moved to California and he told me he would be going through California on a road trip this summer. After I heard that he was going to be going through California, I got so excited because I still have a lot of feelings for him. But the thing was, when do I contact him again. I listened to what the Lord was telling me and I felt like he told me to wait till July before I contact him. So I waited till July, then I asked him again, when should I contact him and I felt like he told me to wait till July 12, which also happens to be my parents anniversary. I closed that night so I didn't email him till July 13.

Today I wondered all day if he replied to my email. When I got home from work, nope, no reply. I was not motivated to workout and I was getting strong temptations to eat stuff that I'm not suppose to eat. I told myself that nope, I'm not giving into my selfish desires. But I was getting sick and tired of eating just vegetables all the time and decided to take a break from the candida diet and eat some fruit. So I went to the grocery store and was good and just bought berries and a pineapple, which is my favorite fruit. I really wanted some Bing cherries but I denied my temptation because they are a sweet fruit. Berries are allowed on some of the candida diets so I am not getting to far off of the diet. I walked by some shrimp that I was so tempted to buy and I was tempted to get some ice cream but I told myself that I'm not going to give in and sin. I was proud of myself for dening my fleshy desires but I was not glad that I didn't have the motivation to go workout and stay strong on the candida diet.

When I got home from the grocery store, I cut me off some pineapple and and went and got on my laptop. It showed I had one new message...and it was a reply from him. I was so excited because I didn't even know if he would reply back or not. He said he would be flying out to San Francisco the 7th or 8th of August and wondered if we could see each other. The greatest feeling came over me. Then it came to me that I should have been obedient all a long in eating right and working out. I have 3 weeks to make some major improvements! I was so high on life that I stopped eating and I hurried to the gym. I had an awesome workout and the whole time I had a smile planted on my face. I have so much fire again for God and I'm so happy that my passion and zeal is back. If anything, this email motivated me to get my life back on track according to God's purpose for my life.

I started to worry a little about the fact that I'm not going to be beautiful enough when he gets here. Then God told me not to worry and he shared with me the fact that I'm wonderfully made without a flaw and that he sees me as beautiful and if this guy is God's gift to me, God would have instilled a heart in him that will allow him to see me as beautiful also.

I don't know what is going to happen or what to except from all of this. All I know is that God knows what is best for me and if this is the one for me, awesome. If he is not the one for me, that's fine because God has someone else better for me that he will bless me with.

Relationships

I was thinking today about why I am so bad with relationships and why it is such a struggle for me to stay connected with people. I'm struggling with calling, or returning/answering the phone calls of people I like. I don't really understand why it is so hard for me to do such an easy thing that should bring me joy. Even people I really do truly miss I have a hard time picking up the phone to call them. I should feel good that someone cares about me and wants to talk with me. So why is it so hard for me to call them back? Why do I hate talking on the phone so much?

Several people have asked me if I'm staying connected with people back home and I hate lying and bugs me and I get convicted for doing it but I say yes because I don't want them to think that I'm going to be depressed because I don't have any friends that I talk to from home. If it wasn't for the grace and comfort that I get from the my relationship with the Lord, I probably would be broken down and depressed. Also, I think of the assistants that I work with here as friends and they help me some from being lonely too. Another reason why I think it doesn't bother me as much is because of the fact that even though I am good at making friends, I'm not good at maintaining the relationship that deepens the bond so I am used to not having friends around me all the time and I am used to doing things by myself and being independent. Even thought I'm not depressed, I still get lonely because there is still apart of me that yearns for Godly relationships with people, especially a Godly marriage relationship.

I know that God wants us to come to him for all our needs and he is the only one who can make us completely whole but I also know the important he places on Godly relationships. We were not created to live alone. Like pieces of a puzzle, we were meant to connect to a larger purpose and a larger community. Without those God-intended connections, we feel lonely and lost, and our lives seem to lose their meaning. Plus in the bible it says, "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" (2 Ecclesiastes 4:10)

I think one of the reasons why I am not good at maintaining relationships is because I still have some fear of being judged and still worry about what people think of me. It weird because I am able to open up to people and I make myselvulnerablele on somethings, but at the same time, I can close up and hold myself back. As my relationship with the Jesus continues, I become more and more accepting of myself anI i have realized that everyone is unique and that is what makes us all beautiful. There are days when I have a lot of confidence and there are day when my confidence runs low. When I am close to God and I'consistentlyly in the word, my confidence is higher than wheI'm'm not.

I have so much joy though because I have come along ways from where I used to be. I used to have very low confidence and didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be. Since the day that God called me and showed me my purpose, it as been amazing journey in learning about the person God has made me to be. I just have noticed lately, especially at work, that mconfidiencece is not where it needs to be and I need quit trying to hide my true wonderful self that I am somewhat afraid to show people. What's awesome is thaI i believe that God is working through the assistantI i work with in helping me to increase mconfidencece anI i feel very blessed by them.

One of my favorite Joyce Meyer quotes is "I'm not where I need to be but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

Comfort

I closed again tonight and everything went smoothly. I didn't start to stress out like I did this weekend and I'm getting better at keeping my peace and trusting God. I did good at sticking to my diet and I had a nice relaxing workout after work.

I'm so blessed to have the comfort I have received from the Lord. I have been here almost 2 months and if he didn't comfort me the way he has and the way he promised, I don't know how I could make it here without being depressed, lonely or scared. Yes, I do miss my family and friends, but there is something supernaturally unexplainable about the comfort he gives me. Although, he just didn't start comforting me since I have moved here. From day one when I was born again, spirit-filled, I have allowed him to comfort me every second of everyday just like he said he would, and everyday I become more aware of that precious gift. Plus, the comfort he gives me helps me to wait patiently for the husband that God is going to bless me with someday.

My balance is slowly starting to return

Today was my day off and I enjoyed my day and I was productive. I cleaned my apartment, enjoyed the beautiful California sunny weather while reading a book, and I had a good workout. It has been a couple of weeks since I have been to the gym so I was proud of myself for going today. Plus I didn't overeat today and I ate just vegetables and nuts since I'm still on the candida cleanse diet, and will be for a while.

I am so happy I'm starting to finally get my life back in balance again. Keeping focused on God and what he wants me to do keeps my life in balance. When my life starts to get unbalanced, I know that my relationship with the Lord is not right and I need to immediately fix it. The longer it is left out of balance, the harder and the longer it takes to get it back to normal. I let my life get out of balance because of my disobedience around the beginning of Feb and now it is July, so it's not going to happen overnight. I just have to take it day by day and keep pressing on.

In the fire

It was a crazy night... It was a typical Sunday at the store, and the store was massively tore up and I didn't have the coverage I needed either. There were times tonight that I just wanted to run away and cry. The good thing about all the pain and suffering and confusion I'm going through is that it is causing me to drawl closer to God because I know that I won't survive without Him and I need Him desperately.

I know my situation looks bad, & maybe I am going through a tough time, but my faith in God will see me through because My God will supply all my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. If I didn't have the faith that this job is God's purpose for my life right now, there is no way that I would have the determination to survive all of this. I must not lose heart but press on until I have accomplished by His grace that which I were called unto. (Eph. 4:1-3) I just need to not be shaken by what I see, but motivated by what I believe in my heart according to what God has done, and will do. When I feel as though I can't go on, I can't go by my feelings. I have to speak the Word of faith and say, "I am strong in the strength of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:10). "I will not fear for God is with me, He will strengthen me, and will uphold me with His righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10).

God wants us to mature in every area of life, but maturity doesn't come easily. There can be no growth without testing, and there can be no testing without difficulties. If our circumstances never changed, if everything would be predictably good and comfortable, we would never have to really trust God; the more predictable life becomes, the less challenge it presents.
Typically, growth is hard. It stretches us and often hurts and we naturally look for what is comfortable and easy.

God uses our trials to bring our faith to the surface and put it to work. Trials force us to turn from our own strategies of independence so we will lean upon the Lord. They also are God’s instruments to purge us from all impurity and burn out whatever is inconsistent with faith and Christlikeness. Trials, as heat used in the testing of metals, show the condition of our faith and the objects of our faith or trust. They quickly reveal our independent man-made strategies for living which are nothing more than our attempted routes to joy and satisfaction without God. And being religious does not mean we are really living by faith, for such can simply be a fig leaf, a cover up for living independently of God.

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth, for you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." -Colossians 3:1-3

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance, and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you may not grow weary and lose heart." -Hebrews 12:1-3

"For by grace are you saved through faith, and that not of yourselves..." -Ephesians 2:8-9

"...for we walk by faith, not by sight." -2 Corinthians 5:7

"As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude." -Colossians 2:6-7

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil." -Proverbs 3:5-7

Time is ticking away

Yet another unproductive day. Today was my day off. I didn't drag myself out of bed until 2 in the afternoon, so most of my day had already pasted by. I didn't go to bed last night till about 4 or 5 in the morning because I was on the net. I have gotten in the habit of reading a least an hour before I go to bed but tonight (or this morning) I didn't even read before I went to bed because I used the excuse that I was tired. I was tired but I had time to get on the net but I didn't have time for God.

I'm still fighting the war with my eating disorder and today I lost the war. I hate how much I let food control my life. I went to the beach today and I couldn't even enjoy it because I was letting food control my mind and emotions. My plan was to go to the beach and enjoy the beautiful scenery that God created and spend some quite time with Jesus. Then when I got back home in the evening, I was going to go workout. Well lets just say I didn't follow my plan and I didn't get anything accomplished today. I have a headache and body aches and it is telling me it didn't like what I am doing to it.

The more I worship food the further away I feel from God and I don't like that feeling. I don't like the feeling that I'm backsliding and I don't like the feeling that I am disappointing Him. I'm getting to the point where I'm getting sick and tired of being sick and tired again. When I get to that point, that is usually when turn my life around and finally get it together and get my life balanced but it makes me mad that I let myself slide again to that dark and evil place that I am so familiar with. I'm so disappointed in how I'm acting. I know better than to live like this.

Although I am so thankful for God's unconditional love through all of this because I remember how I felt going throughout the battle without him. There were so many days that I was so depressed that I didn't even want to get out of bed. God has given me everything I need to get through this, I'm just not being obedient and taking advantage of everything He has blessed me with.

One thing I have been noticing is that I eat when things don't turn out the way I hoped they would have turned out, when people disappoint me and when I don't have the control to change something. I know that God wants me to stop trying to control my life and surrender it all to Him. There is not a doubt in my mind that when I do totally surrender to him and when I stop trying to control and run my own life, that I will be finally free from this bondage. I am just need give Him my whole life and He will fight my battles for me.

On a happy note, one thing I am proud of myself for is the fact that I haven't given up and I'm not going to give up. With the Lord's help, I'm going to win this battle. God has already showed me I can overcome this battle and He has already showed me the prize. I just need to show Him my love and obedience...

peace & comfort

I closed tonight. Yet another day God comes through and takes care of me. Tonight we were really understaffed but I feel like I did good in keeping my peace and staying calm. At 11, after all the customers are out of the store, the overnight crew is allowed to play music from their own steros. One area was playing slow, lovey dovey, country music. I got caught up in the music and I started thinking how it would be nice if I had someone to come home to after a long and tiring day at work. Then God told me that I should draw towards Him and seek comfort from Him because no one will be able to complete me and make me whole like He can. Plus he informed me that I can always count on Him to be there for me and He will never let me down, unlike the people in this world. Amen to that...


(2 Corinthians 1:2-5 NIV) Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. {3} Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, {4} who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. {5} For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

I can't serve 2 masters...

Today went well till the time I got off work. Although, all throughout the day my stomach was telling me it was mad at me for eating all that cereal I ate yesterday. It has been so long since I ate cereal and grains and body was cleansed from it and once I reintroduced it to my body, it didn't react well because I wasn't used to it because it is not something my body needs.

I got off at 5 but I was talking to an assistant till about 6. I don't have to work till 2 the next day. I had plans to go have a good workout , take care of some errands and spend some quality time with God. Lets just say it is almost 11 pm and I have wasted most of the free time that I was blessed with. Before I got home, I went and got a smoothie from Java Juice. Not a bad choice but not something I should have gotten because it just opened the door to the devil and started the vicious cycle of overeating again for me today. Along with the smoothie, I also ate a cheese jalapeno roll from there too. Then I decided I was going feed my fleshly desires and go eat Mexican food. I stuffed my self with an enchilada dinner and then I went to McD's to get a strawberry flurry. After that I went and ate a grab bag of cheetos. I made myself go home after that and denied myself anymore food. And to think, I was doing so good in eating the way God wants me to eat.

The whole time today Jesus was reminding me that nothing in this world is ever going to satisfy me like he can and it doesn't matter how much I eat or what I eat, i'm not going to be satisfied. God's grace is the only thing that saves and restores my sinful soul. I have hope because it's a new day tomorrow. I just pray God grants me another day and chance...


"We are tempted when we are drawn away and trapped by our own evil desires. Then our evil desires conceive and give birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Do not be deceived, my dear friends!" -James 1:14-16

"Watch out! Don't let evil thoughts or doubts make any of you turn from the living God." -Hebrews 3:12

"[There is] a whole army of evil desires within you." -James 4:1

"Happy is the man who doesn't give in an do wrong when he is tempted, for afterwards he will get as his reward the crown of life that God has promised those who love him." -James 1:12

"Remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience." -1 Corinthians 10:13

"Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping." -1 Peter 5:8

Jesus said, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." -Matthew 26:41

"Don't give the Devil a chance." -Ephesians 4:27

All for God's Glory

One more awesome thing happened to me today. One night last week God led me to a diary website and He led me to read one young women's diary entry titled spiritual changes. She wrote how she has been going through some spiritual changes and has had a new awakening of understanding. She also wrote about how she always considered herself to be a christian but she feels like till now she has been missing the whole point all along. I knew exactly what she was talking about and what she was going through because it happened to me last November. Having the presence of God among you and being born again, spirit-filled is the most beautiful, unexplainable feeling ever. I was so happy for her. God put upon my heart to reply to her journal entry and tell her how excited I was for her brand new life and to let her know that if she ever needed someone to talk about what she is going through, I am always here to help her because I remember when I was going through all these changes and there was nobody that I knew that I could talk to that could relate to what I was going through. I didn't hear back from her and just figured I probably freaked the girl out by my reply. But today, I was so blessed to receive a reply from her thanking me for my heartwarming complement and how she felt blessed to discover another saved soul who is familiar with the same feelings that she has of having a new lease on life. It's things like this that give me the energy and motivation to get up and face the world another day.

God is an awesome god

God is beautiful! Today was a wonderful day. Work went well and went by fast. What's crazy is that I messed up really bad at work and I was afraid I was going to be in big trouble by my boss but I didn't at all. He just told me what is done is done and all we can do now is learn from it...and i did. I was surprised by his reaction. It just gave me more peace about making mistakes at work. I'm not perfect and I know I'm going to make mistakes, and it's a great feeling to have that they are going to be patient with me when I do make them.

I really didn't have any problems with the associates today. Even the customer complaints that I dealt with today, I feel like I handled them well. Another assistant manager that I work with whom was closing with me tonight bought me dinner and we had a good conversation. Since it was 4th of July, the store closed at 6 so we had 2 closing managers which was nice. All the associates left at 8 except for the unloaders so we had a good hour to talk till the overnight assistant manager came to work at 9. It's so awesome to know that the other assistants care about me and that they are willing to help me have a smooth transition in such a dramatic change and that they want me to truly succeed. I can definitely see Gods favor and blessings because of the management team He has put me in.

Another thing that I am proud about is the fact that most people think I am 28 because of the way I carry myself and my maturity. They are shocked to find out that I am only 22. That makes me happy because one thing that I wanted to do when I came to this store is to set a good example and to be a good and faithful person and a good representative of Christ. Once they get used to me and see that I am a normal person and not some religious freak, I want to gradually show them the true love of God and not the image of God most religious people show to unbelievers. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I know God has a plan and I'm willing to let Him use me for his wonderful plan. I am around a lot of unbelievers and I fell like God put me in this area so they will have someone praying for them. God can't do something without us praying for it so prayer has major power. There is even a satanic worshiper is my area that I am responsible for but I treat her with the same respect that I treat all of the other associates. God has definitely been helping me not judge people in this area where it is very diverse and I'm a minority in more ways than one.



"Our lives gradually become brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him." -2 Corinthians 3:18

"I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns." -Philippians 1:6

1st Closing Sunday

Tonight was the first Sunday I have closed. Sunday is our busiest day. Usually on Sundays the store is super crowded and tore up and I can't even begin to describe to people how bad the store can look and how messy and inconsiderate the customers can be in this town. It is really something that people has to experience first hand to see what the store is like on a weekend. Earlier this week I was dreading closing tonight because it's the Sunday on 4th of July weekend and I expected it to be worse than usually. Although today, I had peace about closing most of the day. The time I started to freak out and get frustrated was when I wasn't wasn't working hard and doing what I should have been doing instead of setting around taking to another assistant about personal stuff that wasn't work related. Today the store wasn't as busy as I expected and everything pretty much work out ok. I can definitely see the favor and help from God because I know that if it wasn't for Him helping me out, things wouldn't have been pretty.

The things I am fighting the most in this job is my insecurities about standing up and taking authority and my indecisiveness. I lack confidence because I fear failure. Plus I don't want the associates to hate me but if you are a manager you can't be a people pleaser...let alone in any position. Plus if you want to obey God, you can't be a people pleaser as well because you can't serve to masters. There is no way I am every going to please everyone with everything that I do so I my as well get over it and do what I feel is right for me to do. I need to quit letting people control me the way I have let them lately. I need to get back my confidence I once had in myself and in God, and I need to still believe that He is still going to make me a good manager.

Thank you Lord for this day and for the job you have given me. You are so wonderful to keep me under your wing while you protect and strengthen me!


"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:18

"God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best." -Hebrews 12:10

"Our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurable great glory that will last forever!" -2 Corinthians 4:17

"You need to stick it out, staying with God's plan so you'll be there for the promised completion." -Hebrews 10:36

It's up to me

Work is not my favorite place. I try to be as positive and happy about it as I can and I try to not let others see my pain, but deep inside, I know that I'm not truly happy. But the thing is, since I know that this is where God wants me to be, I have supernatural peace about it and that is what gives me the motivation to do it everyday without being depressed.

Earlier at work I was thinking and having a little emotional pity party with myself about the fact that I busted my butt in college to get a finance degree, and this is where it got me...It didn't take long for God to inform me that my future is up to me. He gave me the vision and purpose but it's my responsibility to make it come to pass. So the sooner I completely surrender to Him and obey what He tells me to do, the sooner He will promote me to be a personal trainer. And if I don't obey Him, I could be at the job for a long time......that scares me.

When God showed me my vision and purpose, He gave me a time line and the time He said I would be an assistant mrg was from 3 to 5 years. From what I think is He said that to show me that it is up to me how long I'm an assistant. The quick I do what he tells me to do and learn what He wants me to learn, the less time I have to be an assistant. I'm glad He showed me that because that just gave me even more motivation to quit giving in to my fleshly desires and start being completely obedient to Him.

All I have

Today I didn't overeat and I ate all raw vegetables and nuts. Work was ok, a little stressful. I just feel like i'm not manager material and I'm not as experienced as I should be. But because of all this, it is making me draw closer to Jesus because He is all I have. I have no family here, no friends other the other assistants, and I'm going through some major trials. Today I had a couple moments where I just wanted to go cry somewhere. I stayed strong and got myself together though. Plus I just feel so lonely and I was thinking earlier how it would be nice if had friends around to talk to and vent to but I don't. Then Jesus reminded me that I should come to Him with all my problems and worries and rely on Him to give me comfort and peace. I think God has put me in this season of loneliness and pain to make me see that without Him I am nothing and that nothing in this world will make me whole except for Him. Plus i'm experiencing the truth that the more obedient you are to God, the greater the power and favor you will have from Him.

James 4:8 -"Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you."

Jeremiah 29:13 - "When you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed."

Philippians 2:12-13 - "Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his purpose."

Job 13:15 - "God may kill me, but I still will trust him."