The ugly pit
I haven't written here in a long time. Felt led to write today so here is goes.
I've kinda got myself back in the pit again lately. Oh, how I hate the pit. You know, that place that you have been at many times before but you told yourself you are never going to go back there again... Satan used the same lie that he has told me over and over again and used the same bait that he has used on me over and over to tempt me to sin. He's not that creative. Just the same old tricks. So when is the day that I will learn from my mistakes and my past and completely finish this journey through the wilderness? That day is soon, and I can feel it. It just sucks because I feeling the pain of my bad choices now and this pain should have been done and over with a long time ago. It's ok though. I believe it's part of my season of preparation that i have to go through. Even though it's not good that I have been making bad choices and I have lost my focus. God is dealing with me about that but I believe God will use this pain and this season for His good.
I can't be too hard on myself. I have to remember where I came from. For a perfectionist like myself, it's hard not to be so hard on myself. To remember where I was last year, and then the year before, alot has changed and i have learned alot and I feel that my stuggle with my eating disorder has gotten better. When I become a new Christian, everything dramatically changed and life was great. I was on fire for God, I had faith and hope for a great future and I liked myself for who I really was for the first time in my life. But then, the more I read of the Word and let that Word mirror my image, and the more I lost focus of God, the more I realized how screwed up I am. That's a good thing in a way if you realized that you are nothing without God and you despirately need His help in EVERY aspect of your life. But sometimes when I get the realization that I am just totally screwed up, it can bring me down when i lose my focus on God, and it starts that self-hate cycle that i'm trying to overcome.
I just want to enjoy life and the journey. The last couple of years have been painful and I'm ready for a new season. But I have to go through this season first. God's not going to let me give up and He's not going to take the hard things away in life that I have to deal with. I just have to stay super focused and keep my eyes on God and go through.
The most important lesson that I learned through this long journey is that your strength is directly connected to the relationship and oneness with God. If you lose your focus and stop seeking Him, you lose your strength. Make sure you seek Him daily and you keep your eyes focused on Him and His will for your life. The times that I lost that focus, I choose to sin.
Another lesson that I learned is seeking things or food will never make you happy. Only the joy of the Lord will make us happy. How many times have we been tempted by our flesh telling us that if you eat that certain thing, it will make us satisfied, happy, content, etc..... Never happens. And then for some reason, we are still tempted to think that if we eat more of that item because that first initial portion didn't satisfy us, that more of it will.
I'm tired of being a screwed up mess. I know that I need to give me mess to God and let Him fight my battles for me. Just why is that so hard for my prideful self to do? Or, after I let the Lord fight a battle for me, I slowly take it back because now I think I can handle it on my own. It's like, ok thanks God, but now I can take care of it from here... And then you get yourself back into the same hole that you came from. And that same hole is where i'm at now...
I've kinda got myself back in the pit again lately. Oh, how I hate the pit. You know, that place that you have been at many times before but you told yourself you are never going to go back there again... Satan used the same lie that he has told me over and over again and used the same bait that he has used on me over and over to tempt me to sin. He's not that creative. Just the same old tricks. So when is the day that I will learn from my mistakes and my past and completely finish this journey through the wilderness? That day is soon, and I can feel it. It just sucks because I feeling the pain of my bad choices now and this pain should have been done and over with a long time ago. It's ok though. I believe it's part of my season of preparation that i have to go through. Even though it's not good that I have been making bad choices and I have lost my focus. God is dealing with me about that but I believe God will use this pain and this season for His good.
I can't be too hard on myself. I have to remember where I came from. For a perfectionist like myself, it's hard not to be so hard on myself. To remember where I was last year, and then the year before, alot has changed and i have learned alot and I feel that my stuggle with my eating disorder has gotten better. When I become a new Christian, everything dramatically changed and life was great. I was on fire for God, I had faith and hope for a great future and I liked myself for who I really was for the first time in my life. But then, the more I read of the Word and let that Word mirror my image, and the more I lost focus of God, the more I realized how screwed up I am. That's a good thing in a way if you realized that you are nothing without God and you despirately need His help in EVERY aspect of your life. But sometimes when I get the realization that I am just totally screwed up, it can bring me down when i lose my focus on God, and it starts that self-hate cycle that i'm trying to overcome.
I just want to enjoy life and the journey. The last couple of years have been painful and I'm ready for a new season. But I have to go through this season first. God's not going to let me give up and He's not going to take the hard things away in life that I have to deal with. I just have to stay super focused and keep my eyes on God and go through.
The most important lesson that I learned through this long journey is that your strength is directly connected to the relationship and oneness with God. If you lose your focus and stop seeking Him, you lose your strength. Make sure you seek Him daily and you keep your eyes focused on Him and His will for your life. The times that I lost that focus, I choose to sin.
Another lesson that I learned is seeking things or food will never make you happy. Only the joy of the Lord will make us happy. How many times have we been tempted by our flesh telling us that if you eat that certain thing, it will make us satisfied, happy, content, etc..... Never happens. And then for some reason, we are still tempted to think that if we eat more of that item because that first initial portion didn't satisfy us, that more of it will.
I'm tired of being a screwed up mess. I know that I need to give me mess to God and let Him fight my battles for me. Just why is that so hard for my prideful self to do? Or, after I let the Lord fight a battle for me, I slowly take it back because now I think I can handle it on my own. It's like, ok thanks God, but now I can take care of it from here... And then you get yourself back into the same hole that you came from. And that same hole is where i'm at now...
posted by ENS at 11:48 PM
1 Comments:
hello girlfriend, glad to see you again, and wanting to support you through your struggles.
where are you in Cali? I'm coming out there for a visit in early March, to Los Angeles. if you're anywhere near there it would be amazing to meet you.
love,
Laura
@}-->--
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