What I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do

14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. Romans 7:14-20 NIV

I can so relate to the struggle that the apostle Paul admitted to in Romans 7. It is like reading my own thoughts in the Bible. I'm glad i'm not the only one who has felt this way about my actions. I desire to do good, to worship and love the Lord with all my heart. But at the same time, i'm giving into the sin of idolatry. I hate sin but i'm letting it rule my soul. What a dangerous and foolish way to live!

There is no good in me when i'm living by my selfish nature. I hate the way i act when i give into my fleshly desires. It's like i'm living back in the times of when i was lost, before i experienced the goodness and love of our Savior. It baffles me to think that after everything that God has done for me, i still choose to turn away from Him. I don't want to, but i do it anyway.

Here is this woman who has experienced the many blessings of God, who has been in His presence, who has felt the anointing and power of God work through her, and who has felt the supernatural peace and joy that comes only from the Lord but after all that, she still chooses to turn her back on the very best thing that has happened to her. Craziness....

I have little peace, i feel depressed, my attitude is not pleasing to God, i have been stressing and worrying, my patience with others is slowly decreasing, my temper is increasing, etc....... I'm reaping the fruit of the flesh. Life is so miserable when you are out of the will of God.

I hate the shame and guilt i feel from my sin. It makes me want to isolate myself from everyone that i know. I have also noticed that I have shamed myself enough to the point that i'm even embarrassed to write about what is going on in my blog. There are some people who read my blog who know me personally but most of the people that are going to read my blog have no clue who i am. And the people that know me i don't see and live in a different state but i still feel ashamed. It very humbling to admit to others about the situation i'm in. To admit to people that i don't have it all together and that i'm guilty of turning my back on God after all that He has done for me. Plus, i don't want to lead someone astray by my words. I want to give hope to people. I don't want to give them a wrong image of God.

God is still here in the midst of my struggle helping me every step of the way even when i don't deserve one tiny bit of His grace and mercy. He has not given up on me. He continues to give me strength to get up each day and He fills me with hope to continue striving to accomplish His purpose for my life. I'm not giving up. I will, by God's loving help, overcome this battle and i will accomplish His purpose. It is not going to happen overnight though, but gradually I will get to the place i need to be at. God is an awesome god and He will bring me out of this darkness in His perfect timing. Eventhough i'm in pain, i'm thankful that He is in the process of stripping me bear so He can dress me with true righteousness.

18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Romans 8:18-25 (New International Version)


16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (New International Version)

A bad situation & my bad attitude

A couple of days ago I let a certain situation get me upset, angry, worried and frustrated. To make a long story short I was leaving work after the Monday meeting and I had a couple of hours to use before I had to be back at work. I stopped by this produce place to get me some lemons. Well when I was leaving, after I looked behind to reverse, this lady pulled up behind me and I barely backed into her. I got out to see the damage and it was very minor. A tiny bump and scratch. You could barely see it. The lady was making a big deal about everything and was freaking out. I told her I would pay for it. She treated me like I was a liar and a criminal. I dealt with this lady for over 2 hours trying to get everything taken care off. Because the tiny bump was on her bumper of her car, the whole bumper had to be replaced so this whole situation cost me about $750. There's more details to the story that gets me upset but I don't want to think about it any more.

I was so mad that she made a big deal about everything and that she didn't give me one bit of mercy. There has been at least two instances in my past where people did something minor to my car (and I have a nice car that I feel very blessed to have) but I told them not to worry about because I know that stuff happens and people make mistakes and there is no sense about stressing out about it and making a big deal about it. The whole time I was praying for God's grace and mercy and I was waiting on reaping the mercy that I had sown in the past but nope...not this time.

The whole time all this is going on I thinking, why does God want to keep on punishing me for? I had been really wresting with God lately on surrendering my life to Him again and the stuff that has been happening to me currently has been bringing me to that point of rock bottom that makes you desperately want to change. Since the last 3 weeks (since I got back from my visit from Oklahoma and since I've been willfully choosing to sin and worship food) I have had no peace in my life. The last two weeks have been some of the hardest days of my life. The night before I was thinking how I'm really ready to surrender now and the next morning this happens.

The whole time that I'm with this lady I'm praying to God for His mercy and grace. But at the same time, I'm so angry and frustrated and mad at God because I think He is doing all this to punish me. I have a guilty conscience and I feel like the reason why everything is going wrong for me at work is because of I'm sinning and worshiping food instead of God. And I'm mad because I don't have the money to spare to be throwing it away like this.

The whole situation brought out into the open many things that I need to work on. First of all my attitude was way out of line. I let this situation get me all wound up and not just a little bit. I was so mad I could spit fire. I was mad at myself, mad at God and mad at the lady. The things that were going through my mind I am embarrassed to admit and still call myself a Christian. The way I was acting was way out of line also. While I was stewing, God brought to my attention that I needed to forgive this lady. He also showed me that I should be thankful during the situation. I tried thanking Him for things while everything was going on but I don't think my heart was in line with my words.

I think about it now and I should be thankful that I have a car to drive, that there was no damage to my car, that nobody got hurt, that the damages were minor, that I had the money in my checking account to pay the damages, that I'm still alive on this earth, that God is a good god and if he does punish us, it's only because He loves His children and He wants the best for us, etc.....

I think that one of the main reasons why I'm having a hard time wrestling with the things I'm wrestling with and why I have been really frustrated lately is because I haven't been praising God enough. I got caught up in the complaint cycle with God concerning how long it is taking Him to meet my needs, instead of thanking Him for all that He has already done for me. He is an awesome God and I need to praise Him more. My life depends on it!

A person with a thankful heart is a person of great power. A thankful heart is a victorious heart, which sees victory in the face of defeat. Having a thankful heart can keep us in a safe place - a place where Satan cannot gain access to our minds. That place is where we give thanksgiving and praise to God for all that He has done for us.

Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually (always); Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly]; Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will]. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Amplified Bible

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:6-8 NLT

Wings of God

The wings of God provide for us a place of safety and protection from our enemies. Enemies can be a lot of things. The two major enemies I'm having a hard time dealing with are the outer enemies of circumstances over which I have no control over and the inner enemies of wrong thoughts and selfishness. I need safety and protection in midst of my battle. David found the Wings of God to be a place of shelter and refuge from the storm and so can we. If I don't take refuge under His wings and insist on taking care of things myself, I'm left to take on all those burdens by myself and I have to make it on my own. I must embrace His protection and surrender so I can live in freedom.

In God we are safe. In His hiding place, there is freedom.

PSALM 91 (Amplified Bible)
1 HE WHO dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].
2 I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I [confidently] trust!
3 For [then] He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.
4 [Then] He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge; His truth and His faithfulness are a shield and a buckler.
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror of the night, nor of the arrow (the evil plots and slanders of the wicked) that flies by day,
6 Nor of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor of the destruction and sudden death that surprise and lay waste at noonday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not come near you.
8 Only a spectator shall you be [yourself inaccessible in the secret place of the Most High] as you witness the reward of the wicked.
9 Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place,
10 There shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent.
11 For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service].
12 They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.
13 You shall tread upon the lion and adder; the young lion and the serpent shall you trample underfoot.
14 Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him; I will set him on high, because he knows and understands My name [has a personal knowledge of My mercy, love, and kindness--trusts and relies on Me, knowing I will never forsake him, no, never].
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation.

Worry

Yesterday at work I let the fear and stress of the circumstances of work that I couldn't control, control me. Work was crazy mad and I stayed in continual prayer with God. I boldly became before Him with a demanding prayer that He better help me make it through it all because I am weak and I can't do it on my own. After a couple of hours, I finally quit stressing and worrying and I regained some peace. What is interesting is that once I finally stopped stressing and worrying, there came a sense of calmness all over the store, which was very odd for a Saturday night in the store I work in. It actually turned into a good night at the store and everything went fine and all that worrying that I did was stupid and useless.

Worrying never solves your problems. Trusting God does.

The continuous pruning by God's shears

God continues to work in me and bring me a place to total surrender. The last couple of days, I started to hate my job. I know that this job is God's purpose for my life right now and it is something that I have to go through and quitting is not an option. Work is getting to the point where there is a lot demanded from me and I feel unable to meet the demands. And having to battle an eating disorder makes things that much more complicated. Today was a stressful day and a number of things just set me off. I broke down and I couldn't hold back the tears at work. I'm starting to feel the fear of the realization that I'm not in control and I don't know what to do. I started to get upset and frustrated because no matter what I do, I can't change myself, my circumstances, or the people I manage. I tried to hold the tears back as much as I could and get myself together, but I couldn't.

My boss found out that there was something wrong and he wanted to talk to me. I had a good cry and conversation with him. I feel very blessed to have a boss such as him. He has so much wisdom and is a wonderful leader. He told me that I'm doing fine at work and I'm being to hard on myself and that I'm trying to control things that I never will be able to control. Plus, the things that I need to work on, I need to work on them one step at a time. I'm one of those people who demand perfection from myself and I'm impatient if I don't achieve excellence immediately.

My work always gets hard when I lose the focus of Who put me there. God has a purpose for me at that job and he wouldn't have asked me to do it if he didn't think I could do it. But the only way I can do my job is if I totally surrender to Him. I must not fear or get discourage over my circumstances and I must pray and have faith that He is in control over everything and He will give me favor. God will continue to let me wear myself out until I give up all the power to Him in all areas of my life, not just work. The only way I'm going to have peace is to surrender everything to God.

Even in the midst of the biggest storm I've faced, things are not out of control. God is still on His throne and He is working out His good and perfect plan concerning all of us. God vision and horizon is so much larger we can even imagine. He sees the whole picture. God wants to get us out of our little world, and affliction pushes us out of out little world, to see His big plan

Oh Jesus have mercy on me! Hear my poverty stricken heart that acknowledges my great need for you. Purify my heart. Strengthen me through my daily santifications and help me to run the race with perseverance.

Anything that makes me need God is a blessing. God wants to release His spirit through me and He can and He will when He finds that my humble, broken, contrite heart has been emptied of self so that He might fill it with Himself. Thank God that He never gets tired of us crying out to Him. God will never create for us a life that makes Him unnecessary and He will never demand faith beyond our experiences with Him. It's going to take faith to bring me out and to straighten me up. He is the God that supplies before there is a need. The darkness of my presence situation is proof that He already provided the strength necessary to bring me out. If I persevere, He will become the God of my present and He will show up right on time. I have more to reach out to then to hold on to!

I'm very proud of myself and thankful for God's help because today when my emotions were running ragged and I needed comfort, I turned to God instead of food.


17The Lord is [rigidly] righteous in all His ways and gracious and merciful in all His works. 18The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him sincerely and in truth. 19He will fulfill the desires of those who reverently and worshipfully fear Him; He also will hear their cry and will save them. 20The Lord preserves all those who love Him, but all the wicked will He destroy. -Psalms 145:17-20

17When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their distress and troubles. 18The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent. 19Many evils confront the [consistently] righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. 20He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken. -Psalms 34:17-20

The powerful wrestling match continues

I'm wigged out in rebellion and I'm desperate for restoration. I'm dealing with a guilty conscious. I got to hold tight and intensely walk to the cross and let the blood of Christ cleanse me now, not only from sin, but from a guilty conscious. I need to bow down in front of the throne of grace and worship Him.

With each step of rebellion, I'm facing the painful harvest of the seeds I have sowed. I am becoming weary but I'm not going to give up. I'm starting to experience the flashbacks of the pain that I have been through so many times before and I don't want to got to that place ever again. I bring no fruit and life is so miserable. It gets to the point where all I want to do is isolate myself from everyone and just eat. I hate the feeling of being controlled by food. It is on my mind all through my waking hours and it drives me to do crazy things. The older I get and the farther I travel this journey, the more I have to lose. I'm not going to let food destroy my life.

It is the truth, and I know by experience that God is the only one who can truly satisfy me but I still binge and damage and bring pain to my body by injecting myself with so many toxins continuously. My body is the temple of God. What am I doing??? I've gained all the weight that I finally lost and my pants are tight and my stomach hurts and it is hard and distended. I seriously could make someone think that I'm pregnant by the way my stomach is so protruding. It's that truly bad and I'm not just having a drama fit. I have so much backed up and my stomach is giving me pains and I had pains in my rib area but I still continue to stuff my face with food.... I'm taxing my digestive system and liver, along with everything else. It's like the more ashamed I am of my actions and lack of control, the more I want to punish my body. It's like I'm scolding myself because for not being perfect. It's a vicious cycle that never ends.

The more I continue in rebellion, the more I notice the loss of fruitfulness in all areas of my life. At work, at home, in my relationship with God, in my relationships with others, by the words that come out of my mouth, physically in my body, and spiritually in my soul and mentally in my mind.

I praise God that He is going to help me overcome this battle and that He has an amazing plan for my life. He is getting ready to bring me up to a higher level. God is going to do something glorious from all my suffering and loss. He persists in a greater glory even when I kick and scream and beg Him to do otherwise. He is not going to allow me to cheat myself of something more marvelous than what I can conceive. He is working the greater work. I am so grateful because He has overwhelming compassion for my pain and confusion. I'm so thankful and awe of God's grace and mercy. I am so blessed by His patience and love that He gives me everyday.

Daily Devotional by Calvary Chapel

This is a daily devotional that I ran across on the net today.

To be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. - Romans 8:6

We must pray for the grace to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. It is then that we will know the tremendous victory over even our most besetting sins, and it is then that the Spirit of God is able to use us in the most extraordinary ways.

Chuck Smith
Why Grace Changes Everything : Pg. 92

Cry out for mercy

I finally got a Saturday off (haven't had one off in months except for last week but I was on vacation and got home from the airport late) but I knew that the most important thing for me to do was to stay home and seek His presence today. The only really thing that I had planned on doing today was seeking Him. I am so desperate for Him.

I was led to listen to past Revive Our Hearts radio broadcasts by Nancy Leigh DeMoss on the series of Brokenness: The Heart God Revives. As I began to listen to the broadcasts, I began to weep and I cried out for the mercy and grace that I desperately needed. In His presence, we see ourselves as we really are...which is nothing without Him. The closer we get to God, the more we will see our own need.

I am beginning to experience a fresh sense of brokenness and tenderness in my heart towards the Lord and I'm feeling a fresh revival starting in my heart. The heart that God revives is the broken and humble heart. We will never meet God in revival until we have first met Him in brokenness.

God's grace is such a blessing. The awesome thing about it all is that the whole time that I was rejecting God and doing my own will, He was there waiting for me to turn back to Him with His lovingly arms wide open.

PSALM 34: 15-22 NLT
15 The eyes of the LORD watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help. 16 But the LORD turns his face against those who do evil; he will erase their memory from the earth. 17 The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. 18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. 19 The righteous face many troubles, but the LORD rescues them from each and every one. 20 For the LORD protects them from harm – not one of their bones will be broken! 21 Calamity will surely overtake the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be punished. 22 But the LORD will redeem those who serve him. Everyone who trusts in him will be freely pardoned.

Miserable out of His will

How to live a miserable life: After experiencing the true presence of God and a relationship with Him, and after tasting the awesome peace, joy and comfort that comes only from God and living in His will, you then consciously choose to reject Him and His will, and choose to live by your own fleshly desires and worship things (food in my case) as your god.

For almost two weeks now, I have experienced again the hell of rejecting God and consciously living life outside His will. It is the hell that comes from having no peace and joy, from feeling guilty and having condemnation, from hiding my sin from others, from having food on my mind all day long and letting it control me, and the hell that comes from not being able to quench that hunger and thirst that I have that can only be satisfied by God.

The more I give into my sin, the farther away I feel from God and the easier it is to tune out the convictions from Him. I know how much I need Him but still I choose to reject Him. I know that nothing will comfort me and fill that hunger that I have but Him. After all He has done for me, I still turn away from Him. I know I need to seek Him and repent but the longer I give into my fleshly desires, the harder it is to seek with Him. The few times that I prayed, my prayers were dry and every time I would try to read I would fall asleep.

At work, all I think about is food and it is driving me nuts. I am letting it control me. It is making me lazy and I can tell a direct influence that I has on my spirit, mood and attitude. Plus, I don't want to be around anybody because of my guilt and shame.

I am living a very selfish life right now and I need take up my cross and return back to God. Jesus went through so much agony and temptation that He sweat great drops of blood. It is now my time to suffer for Him and the suffering that we must take on is only temporary till God comes back for us.

Stop seeking freedom from the eating disorder & start seeking Him

I was watching Joyce Meyer on the net today and how interesting it is that the last 3 days, they have been doing a special program with Mercy Ministries, a place that brings relief to the lives of troubled young women and gives them hope and a future that is restored through the unconditional love of Christ. Many of the girls are dealing with eating disorders and self-distruction. My heart goes out to all of them. I heard many testimonies by the graduates of the program and I am so inspired by their healing. One statement that a girl said that really spoke to me was how God was telling her to Stop seeking freedom from her eating disorder and to start seeking Him. I know from experience in the past that when I did seek Him and gave it all to Him, He fought the battle for me. The thing that makes it so hard it that it is a daily thing you have to do. At least in this situation for me, you don't just get victory once, it's a daily battle you have to fight.

The devil is a liar

The devil is not creative at all. He deceives and attacks me the same way every time, and I know the pattern of how I act every time as well. I still have the door left open just enough for him to come and attack me once again..... Why do I have to have so much drama with my body??? Why do I have so much hatred against it? Just when I think I'm beginning to have a healthy self-love for my body and I start to treat it with care and love, something happens that makes me want to abuse it.

I try to think of the deep root cause of it all and I'm still left with no answer. I cry out to God and ask Him to show me and I hope He shows me soon. I know one thing that the closer I am to God, the healthier my self-love for my body is. I know I need to feed on Him spiritually instead of going to food for comfort. I know that no matter what I eat, or how much I eat, it is not going to satisfied the true hunger that I long for. I've been down this road so many times and I know exactly what is going to satisfy me and what is not. God can only satisfy my hunger and fill that emptiness void. So why do I let myself be deceived into thinking that physical food can?

Tomorrow is another day and I'm so thankful for God's amazing grace and love for me through my journey. The truth is, I may not have achieved the success of overcoming this nasty disorder YET...the biggest victory is still being here after so many times off falling down...still pressing on and moving forward and choosing to forget about the things that lie behind me.

My 1st Birthday........

Today is my 1st birthday!!! Well, my spiritual birthday that is..... Last year on Saturday November 7th 2004 around 3:00 AM I got born again spirit-filled while I was in my apartment living room. Thank God I choose to stay home that night and study the word instead of going out and parting like my friends wanted me too!


MAP YOUR LOCATION:
I was visiting a friend's web blog today and came across this neat site. Click on the link to add your location. I would love to see where all the readers are come! http://www.frappr.com/ens82

Back from my trip to Oklahoma (long & still incomplete) Updated 11/08

What a week.....It was driving me nuts not being able to type daily about what has been going on. So much has happened and so many thoughts have gone through my head. The computer that is at home was screwed up with some virus or something and my dad let my use his laptop one night but I didn't feel comfortable or in the mood to type a long blog.

Anyway I'll guess I'll start with day one of the trip which was last Friday (Oct 28). First of all, my plane was scheduled to leave at 11:20Am and I woke up at 10:15Am!!! It would take me at least an hour to drive to the airport let alone anything else. Let's just say I freaked out. I was like, how the heck and what am I going to do now. I had 3 alarms set and 2 were still on. I guess I turned my phone's alarm off but I have no memory of turning it off. I called my mom and she was mad at first and she told me to call the airport to see if there was another flight to Oklahoma that day. Good news there was one leaving at 2. I rushed to get my things together and I hurried out the door because I was not going to miss this flight. It makes me think about things like this. Was it God's purpose for me to miss that flight? Was He protecting me from something? Who knows....I arrived in Oklahoma all right and that's all that matters.

Saturday morning I drove to Stillwater to see my friends from college and to celebrate Oklahoma State University's homecoming. I had lunch with one of my friends from the small group that I was involved in when I went to LifeChurch. We had a wonderful conversation and the way we were talking, it didn't feel like I hadn't seen her for half a year. I was only able to talk to her for an hour in a half but the time we spent together was very valuable to both of us in more ways than one. I originally wasn't going to meet with her for lunch but God had a different plan.

After lunch I drove to meet another friend, the friend that I was going to be staying with till Monday. This friend was my best friend last year, before I got born again. I met her through work and started hanging out with her at the being of last summer. We were really close and I let her see some of the broken side of me that many people didn't get to see (I did trust her & a lot of things come out when you are drunk). The problem with our relationship was that our only bond was parting and getting drunk. She was a genuinely caring person and there was things about her personality that helped me become a better person but there was also a lot of things about her that influenced me to be a bad person at the same time. All through the time I was living in sin, I was gradually drawling closer to God. I continued to go to church after getting drunk and doing things I shouldn't have been doing the night before. I would talk about God every once in a while around them and they thought of me as a Christian. I think she could see me gradually changing because I cut back down on drinking and the number of times I would go out a week. She knew I didn't have peace about those things anymore.

After I got born again, I dramatically changed but I still hung around her a little for about 2 months but not as much as I used to. I finally decided I wasn't going to do that stuff anymore and used the excuse that I actually had to work now and that I need to grow up and I couldn't go out and do that stuff anymore. I needed to be apart from her and I felt like that time was the time I needed to cut the relationship loose. She quit asking me to go out and we quit talking. I didn't explain to her about what God was doing in my life and I felt bad for the way I just abandoned our friendship. There was probably a better way for me to do it. If fact I know there was a better way to do it but I wasn't obedient in doing it. At one point I felt like it was God's will for me to write her a letter about everything. I wrote most of the letter. It was extremely long and I procrastinated some and then I let the devil deceive me and I talked myself out of sending it to her. It makes me mad because now I wonder what would have happened if I would have sent her it. I really do miss her and we talk every once in a while on the phone since I have been here in California. Although, coming to visit and staying with her, I realized that the only true bond we had together was partying and getting drunk. Which is sad because it would be great if we could be close friends because she truly is a good person.

When I arrived we talked a little and we planned on going out that night to the bars. She asked me if I was going to be drinking I told her probably not. After I said that, you could tell that she was upset with my decision. She got a little attitude about going out and in a slight way, made it seem like she wasn't excited about going out anymore. (She would do that sometimes before when I starting to change and drink and go out less.) When we were out at the bars, I let my guard down and I did drink a little during the game. I hadn't really drank since April and I had one beer in August sometime. I personally don't feel like it is a sin for me to drink a glass or two but I didn't want to drink because I wanted to be an good influence. Plus, I wasn't for sure that if I was in the bar that if I started drinking, that I wouldn't be able to stop and I would get drunk. (I'm very proud because I was able to stop just fine.)

While we were in the bars this girl name Sara, who knew my friend, introduced herself to me. She asked me where I was from. I told her I was born and raised in Oklahoma, lived in Stillwater while in college and just moved to California not to long ago. The whole California thing striked an awesome conversation between us. She asked me if I was totally independent and I told her yes. She was so amazed and told me that I give so much hope to girls like her. Sara's mom I guess how been nagging her about being a financial burden while she is in college and her mom can't wait till she is out of college. She was drunk but I was amazed how God was allowing me to minister to her. I let her know that there was no way I could have been this independent and courageous without the grace and mercy of our Lord. I'm able to do what I do because God is working through me. I told her that no matter what she does, to call on God and he will help her. You could tell in her eyes and by her energy that I really touch her in a supernatural way. She kept telling her friends that I am an amazing person. After that experience, I was so high that I didn't need alcohol or anything else to boost my mood. I'm just glad I choose to quit drinking before I started talking to her. It just goes to show that no matter where you are, God gives us opportunities to touch the lives of others.

Being in the bar again brings back so many memories. It was good to see everyone again but it makes me thank God for bringing me out of that lifestyle. I thank Him that He delivered me from disrespecting myself by dressing like a hooch because I had low self confidence, that He delivered me from wanting to get drunk because I felt like I was boring and that people would like me more if I was drunk, from searching the bar scene for boys whom I thought would fill the void that I had in my life, and from distancing me from all the other sin that goes along with being in that environment. It makes me so glad that I'm not living in that town anymore. Because it is a college town, there is so much pressure and temptation to give into sinful habits. I loved living in that town till I got born again. I lived there 6 months after I got born again and pretty much most of that time I isolated myself from everything but work and church.

Sunday was an awesome day. I was able to go to an experience at LifeChurch once again. I miss that church so much. I haven't found a church quite like it yet and it's going to be hard to find. I do watch the experiences online, and I still can get very moved by the message, but it's not quite the same as personally being there. After being a member at that church, it has made it extremely hard for me to find another church now that spiritually feeds me the way that one did. I miss all the friends and family I've made through the church also. Along with my family and friends, this church and my spiritual family (my small group) that I've have been bless with from this church, are the only things that I truly miss about Oklahoma.

After church, I had a wonderful lunch visiting with some of the people that was in my small group for lunch. I miss being around them so much. Later that evening, I made the choice to visit the small group meeting. I almost didn't want to go because the group has changed a lot and most of the people that are members now, I had no clue who they are and most of the people that were members at the time I was, were not going to be there. I'm a very reserve person and things like this make me uncomfortable. I prayed about it for God to give me strength and He did. The experience was really awesome. I only knew 2 people but the whole group just included me and I didn't feel like an outsider and I felt apart of something wonderful by being in their presence. It is a wonderful feeling to know that there are people who you can count on who truly love you and are there for you. I just hope they feel my love for them and I'm able to touch their lives as well.

Monday I visited some the associates and management that I used to work with while I was an intern at my old Wal-Mart store in Stillwater. It was so wonderful to see everyone again and I was so full of joy. After visiting the store, I had lunch again with a very special friend. I was so happy that I was able to spend so time with her before I had to leave for home. I just love talking to her and there is something special about our friendship that I have never found in anyone else. I have never been able to tell other people some of the things I tell her without shame or embarrassment. I just hope we are able to stay connected and close. I'm not good with relationships or staying in contact with people as much as I should. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact of me having low self-confidence sometimes and I feel like people really don't care to hear from me and also with the fact that I'm a selfish procrastinator.

While I was in Stillwater, I was able to see almost all the people I was looking forward to seeing. I wasn't able to see 2 of the people from work that really wanted to see and I didn't see the boy that I so desire still. I told myself that if I didn't see him before I left, that it was time for me to let go and forget about it all. The whole situation between us is so crazy and confusion, at least to me it is. Just the coincidence of how things happen is unreal. I can't even explain it all. The thing is I that don't even know if the feelings and the things that happen are works of the devil or God. I have prayed numerous times about it and have asked God to show me the light on the issue but I'm still confused. I read this blog a while ago that was posted from a wonderful person that I met thought the net. The blog relates to the Dear Abby column and the question of 'how do you stop loving him'. It totally hit close to home but I wasn't ready to embrace the fact of it yet. I feel that it's time to now. I'm not going to be able to stop loving him but I have to stop wanting him.

(I have even more to write and I ran out of time again.)

To be continued.....................