The powerful wrestling match continues
I'm wigged out in rebellion and I'm desperate for restoration. I'm dealing with a guilty conscious. I got to hold tight and intensely walk to the cross and let the blood of Christ cleanse me now, not only from sin, but from a guilty conscious. I need to bow down in front of the throne of grace and worship Him.
With each step of rebellion, I'm facing the painful harvest of the seeds I have sowed. I am becoming weary but I'm not going to give up. I'm starting to experience the flashbacks of the pain that I have been through so many times before and I don't want to got to that place ever again. I bring no fruit and life is so miserable. It gets to the point where all I want to do is isolate myself from everyone and just eat. I hate the feeling of being controlled by food. It is on my mind all through my waking hours and it drives me to do crazy things. The older I get and the farther I travel this journey, the more I have to lose. I'm not going to let food destroy my life.
It is the truth, and I know by experience that God is the only one who can truly satisfy me but I still binge and damage and bring pain to my body by injecting myself with so many toxins continuously. My body is the temple of God. What am I doing??? I've gained all the weight that I finally lost and my pants are tight and my stomach hurts and it is hard and distended. I seriously could make someone think that I'm pregnant by the way my stomach is so protruding. It's that truly bad and I'm not just having a drama fit. I have so much backed up and my stomach is giving me pains and I had pains in my rib area but I still continue to stuff my face with food.... I'm taxing my digestive system and liver, along with everything else. It's like the more ashamed I am of my actions and lack of control, the more I want to punish my body. It's like I'm scolding myself because for not being perfect. It's a vicious cycle that never ends.
The more I continue in rebellion, the more I notice the loss of fruitfulness in all areas of my life. At work, at home, in my relationship with God, in my relationships with others, by the words that come out of my mouth, physically in my body, and spiritually in my soul and mentally in my mind.
I praise God that He is going to help me overcome this battle and that He has an amazing plan for my life. He is getting ready to bring me up to a higher level. God is going to do something glorious from all my suffering and loss. He persists in a greater glory even when I kick and scream and beg Him to do otherwise. He is not going to allow me to cheat myself of something more marvelous than what I can conceive. He is working the greater work. I am so grateful because He has overwhelming compassion for my pain and confusion. I'm so thankful and awe of God's grace and mercy. I am so blessed by His patience and love that He gives me everyday.
With each step of rebellion, I'm facing the painful harvest of the seeds I have sowed. I am becoming weary but I'm not going to give up. I'm starting to experience the flashbacks of the pain that I have been through so many times before and I don't want to got to that place ever again. I bring no fruit and life is so miserable. It gets to the point where all I want to do is isolate myself from everyone and just eat. I hate the feeling of being controlled by food. It is on my mind all through my waking hours and it drives me to do crazy things. The older I get and the farther I travel this journey, the more I have to lose. I'm not going to let food destroy my life.
It is the truth, and I know by experience that God is the only one who can truly satisfy me but I still binge and damage and bring pain to my body by injecting myself with so many toxins continuously. My body is the temple of God. What am I doing??? I've gained all the weight that I finally lost and my pants are tight and my stomach hurts and it is hard and distended. I seriously could make someone think that I'm pregnant by the way my stomach is so protruding. It's that truly bad and I'm not just having a drama fit. I have so much backed up and my stomach is giving me pains and I had pains in my rib area but I still continue to stuff my face with food.... I'm taxing my digestive system and liver, along with everything else. It's like the more ashamed I am of my actions and lack of control, the more I want to punish my body. It's like I'm scolding myself because for not being perfect. It's a vicious cycle that never ends.
The more I continue in rebellion, the more I notice the loss of fruitfulness in all areas of my life. At work, at home, in my relationship with God, in my relationships with others, by the words that come out of my mouth, physically in my body, and spiritually in my soul and mentally in my mind.
I praise God that He is going to help me overcome this battle and that He has an amazing plan for my life. He is getting ready to bring me up to a higher level. God is going to do something glorious from all my suffering and loss. He persists in a greater glory even when I kick and scream and beg Him to do otherwise. He is not going to allow me to cheat myself of something more marvelous than what I can conceive. He is working the greater work. I am so grateful because He has overwhelming compassion for my pain and confusion. I'm so thankful and awe of God's grace and mercy. I am so blessed by His patience and love that He gives me everyday.
posted by ENS at 9:20 PM
3 Comments:
dearest, I'll pray for you today....
Dearest Sister,
Didi I just write that or did you?!? I connect with you in every way with this issue. I have been struggling with the same thing. My drycleaning lady pattted my tummy last week and asked if I was pregnat! I had to just smile nad so "no, I'm just fat." How sad it is. How hard it has been. I too know the power of food. I know the power that Satan holds on our flesh, but more so, I know the power of the the Lord Jesus Christ, who has not overcomethe flesh, but death itself. In him we find mercy and grace.
I have truly been brought ot my knees very recently on this issue, and I will pray the same for you. I believe the Lord had been digging out the trenches lately. I have been ill and have not hav emuch of an appetite. What a blessing food should be, rather than a curse. I plan on fasting very soon for my very first time and I am preparing myself with His Word. Inside there is something special just for you tha He wants to reveal to your heart.
May you be encouraged today sweet Sister. Set your eyes on Him.
"I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." John 6:35
"The LORD utters his voice before his army, for his camp is exceedingly great; he who executes his word is powerful. For the day of the LORD is great and very awesome; who can endure it?
Yet even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; and render your hearts and not your garments." Return to the LORD, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster."
Joel 2:11-13
Amanda, thank you for your sweet encouraging words. It hurts me to know someone is going through the same pain as me. God is a awesome god and he will deliver us in his timing. We are going through a lot now but God will not let our pain go to waste. He will bring us beauty from ashes and we will glorify Him.
I will keep you in my prayers sister. We can overcome this!
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