What I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do

14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. Romans 7:14-20 NIV

I can so relate to the struggle that the apostle Paul admitted to in Romans 7. It is like reading my own thoughts in the Bible. I'm glad i'm not the only one who has felt this way about my actions. I desire to do good, to worship and love the Lord with all my heart. But at the same time, i'm giving into the sin of idolatry. I hate sin but i'm letting it rule my soul. What a dangerous and foolish way to live!

There is no good in me when i'm living by my selfish nature. I hate the way i act when i give into my fleshly desires. It's like i'm living back in the times of when i was lost, before i experienced the goodness and love of our Savior. It baffles me to think that after everything that God has done for me, i still choose to turn away from Him. I don't want to, but i do it anyway.

Here is this woman who has experienced the many blessings of God, who has been in His presence, who has felt the anointing and power of God work through her, and who has felt the supernatural peace and joy that comes only from the Lord but after all that, she still chooses to turn her back on the very best thing that has happened to her. Craziness....

I have little peace, i feel depressed, my attitude is not pleasing to God, i have been stressing and worrying, my patience with others is slowly decreasing, my temper is increasing, etc....... I'm reaping the fruit of the flesh. Life is so miserable when you are out of the will of God.

I hate the shame and guilt i feel from my sin. It makes me want to isolate myself from everyone that i know. I have also noticed that I have shamed myself enough to the point that i'm even embarrassed to write about what is going on in my blog. There are some people who read my blog who know me personally but most of the people that are going to read my blog have no clue who i am. And the people that know me i don't see and live in a different state but i still feel ashamed. It very humbling to admit to others about the situation i'm in. To admit to people that i don't have it all together and that i'm guilty of turning my back on God after all that He has done for me. Plus, i don't want to lead someone astray by my words. I want to give hope to people. I don't want to give them a wrong image of God.

God is still here in the midst of my struggle helping me every step of the way even when i don't deserve one tiny bit of His grace and mercy. He has not given up on me. He continues to give me strength to get up each day and He fills me with hope to continue striving to accomplish His purpose for my life. I'm not giving up. I will, by God's loving help, overcome this battle and i will accomplish His purpose. It is not going to happen overnight though, but gradually I will get to the place i need to be at. God is an awesome god and He will bring me out of this darkness in His perfect timing. Eventhough i'm in pain, i'm thankful that He is in the process of stripping me bear so He can dress me with true righteousness.

18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Romans 8:18-25 (New International Version)


16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (New International Version)