We were not created to walk alone
This month I finally got my license and tag changed over from Oklahoma to California. Today I received my license in the mail and it makes me sad to see my picture. I look so sad (physically and emotionally) in my picture and not myself. Just looking at my picture, with all the other emotions going on in my head right now, my eyes start to water. How could I do that to myself? It's crazy to think that someone doesn't care enough about taking care of themselves and they would actually choose to do stuff to hurt their body. God gave me a wonderful and perfect body, but I'm not taking care of it the way that would bring Him glory.
I was sick a little bit last week and my boss, in his loving but what the heck are you doing attitude, asked me why I wasn't taking better care of myself. All I could say was I don't know....I'm trying....but I'm not trying hard enough, and I smiled and walked away. So much of me just was to spill it to him about my eating disorder because I know the power of being humble and transparent with people and getting it off my chest. I hate hiding things. He is an awesome guy and I would feel comfortable enough talking to him about it but it's definitely going to be a big step for me to do.
Lately I have definitely learned the importance of having good close loving friends around you whom you can confide in about everything. God is my best friend and He is the ultimate comforter and He has comforted me many times and He has never failed me. But striving to live a holy Christian life unto the Lord in a sinful world is extremely hard to do when you feel alone and you are walking alone. God did not design us to walk alone in this world. I have made friends out here in the church but I haven't had the opportunity to connect with him on a deep enough level where I can come out and openly talk about all my brokenness and pain. I'm one of those people who tries to be humble and open to people about my flaws and I am able to do that but I yearn to have a much deeper connection with people.
My random and crazy work schedule makes it difficult to be able to hang out with my friends because our work schedules are different and because they are also busy themselves. I'm in desperate need of a small group again. The fellowship of a small group is very powerful and I have experienced that truth myself. That is one piece of advice I could give every Christian who wants to grow stronger in their walk with God...Make sure you are connected into a small group with people whom you can relate to! You need to be around people whom you can help, as well as be help, and be around people who will hold you accountable. Accountability partners are key. Good news is that we are planning on starting a small group in January and I think they are even going to be gracious enough to have it be on different days each week so that I would be able to make it each week. (I work random shifts and I'm on a rotation schedule that changes each week)
Moving to California has its advantages and disadvantagres in the aspect of people knowing who I am. It was nice to have a fresh, new start in a place where I'm not running into people who acknowledge and bring up my old self. I'm a different person now and my past is my past. I'm not ashamed of my past and I let people know where I have came from but I don't like being around people who still acknowledge me as someone who is still in the darkness.
The bad thing about being in a place where nobody knows your background is that you could let your self go and not care about taking care of your body and they wouldn't think anything about it because that's all they have seen of you. They have nothing to compare you to and that made it easy for me to let myself slide. The people here only know me as the person I was when I came here in the beginning of June. They know I am Christian but I haven't been able to embrace the true person I am in Christ because I have been letting my bondage hold me back. They don't know my desires, my passions and my purpose because the whole time that I have been here, I have been struggling with the same battle.
I find it very embarrassing to tell people that it is my vision to be a personal trainer in a couple of years and in about 10 years open my own gym when I'm caring for the my body the way I am now. Health is my passion and I have a lot of nutritional and training knowledge (knowledge from experience amen)that it kills me that I can't help people with my knowledge because there is no anointing anymore because my sin. I miss the great joy I got from helping people to make wise decisions on how to take care of their body when I was taking care of my God the way that brought Him glory. How can I tell someone to do something when I'm not doing it myself....? I know that God will restore my anointing to help others in the area of nutrition and fitness when I surrender my nutrition and fitness choices back to Him again.
Although, the positive thing about me still being in bondage with food is that the longer I'm in the battle, the more I will continue to experience and learn which will enable me to, once I achieve victory over this battle, even better help others who have lived in the agonizing hell of an eating disorder achieve victory. God is not going to let my brokenness and pain from this battle go to waste! He will use it for His good, amen.
I was sick a little bit last week and my boss, in his loving but what the heck are you doing attitude, asked me why I wasn't taking better care of myself. All I could say was I don't know....I'm trying....but I'm not trying hard enough, and I smiled and walked away. So much of me just was to spill it to him about my eating disorder because I know the power of being humble and transparent with people and getting it off my chest. I hate hiding things. He is an awesome guy and I would feel comfortable enough talking to him about it but it's definitely going to be a big step for me to do.
Lately I have definitely learned the importance of having good close loving friends around you whom you can confide in about everything. God is my best friend and He is the ultimate comforter and He has comforted me many times and He has never failed me. But striving to live a holy Christian life unto the Lord in a sinful world is extremely hard to do when you feel alone and you are walking alone. God did not design us to walk alone in this world. I have made friends out here in the church but I haven't had the opportunity to connect with him on a deep enough level where I can come out and openly talk about all my brokenness and pain. I'm one of those people who tries to be humble and open to people about my flaws and I am able to do that but I yearn to have a much deeper connection with people.
My random and crazy work schedule makes it difficult to be able to hang out with my friends because our work schedules are different and because they are also busy themselves. I'm in desperate need of a small group again. The fellowship of a small group is very powerful and I have experienced that truth myself. That is one piece of advice I could give every Christian who wants to grow stronger in their walk with God...Make sure you are connected into a small group with people whom you can relate to! You need to be around people whom you can help, as well as be help, and be around people who will hold you accountable. Accountability partners are key. Good news is that we are planning on starting a small group in January and I think they are even going to be gracious enough to have it be on different days each week so that I would be able to make it each week. (I work random shifts and I'm on a rotation schedule that changes each week)
Moving to California has its advantages and disadvantagres in the aspect of people knowing who I am. It was nice to have a fresh, new start in a place where I'm not running into people who acknowledge and bring up my old self. I'm a different person now and my past is my past. I'm not ashamed of my past and I let people know where I have came from but I don't like being around people who still acknowledge me as someone who is still in the darkness.
The bad thing about being in a place where nobody knows your background is that you could let your self go and not care about taking care of your body and they wouldn't think anything about it because that's all they have seen of you. They have nothing to compare you to and that made it easy for me to let myself slide. The people here only know me as the person I was when I came here in the beginning of June. They know I am Christian but I haven't been able to embrace the true person I am in Christ because I have been letting my bondage hold me back. They don't know my desires, my passions and my purpose because the whole time that I have been here, I have been struggling with the same battle.
I find it very embarrassing to tell people that it is my vision to be a personal trainer in a couple of years and in about 10 years open my own gym when I'm caring for the my body the way I am now. Health is my passion and I have a lot of nutritional and training knowledge (knowledge from experience amen)that it kills me that I can't help people with my knowledge because there is no anointing anymore because my sin. I miss the great joy I got from helping people to make wise decisions on how to take care of their body when I was taking care of my God the way that brought Him glory. How can I tell someone to do something when I'm not doing it myself....? I know that God will restore my anointing to help others in the area of nutrition and fitness when I surrender my nutrition and fitness choices back to Him again.
Although, the positive thing about me still being in bondage with food is that the longer I'm in the battle, the more I will continue to experience and learn which will enable me to, once I achieve victory over this battle, even better help others who have lived in the agonizing hell of an eating disorder achieve victory. God is not going to let my brokenness and pain from this battle go to waste! He will use it for His good, amen.
posted by ENS at 10:54 PM
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