This page breaks my heart

Lost, But Not Forgotten...



This page is truly heartbreaking. Many tears were shed after reading about the people who have lost their lives from battling eating disorders.

Poem

"A Tear"

I will be destroyed no more

I've had it!!! I can't live my life like this any more! The devil has stolen to much from me already and I'm physically watching him destroy my life everyday. In every area of my life I'm reaping the rotten fruit of my disobedience. I've let food be the controller of my life. My body has gone to hell, my attitude is not where it needs to be, I'm lazy and I'm not motivated to do anything, my work performance is poor and gets worse every day, my heart is hardened, I have low concentration because food is always on my mind, I've lost my passion for life, & I have no peace and joy. Nonetheless, I'm ashamed to let people know that I'm a born again, spirit filled Christian. I'm not ashamed of Jesus, I'm ashamed that I'm acting this way when I call myself a Christian. I haven't even worn my cross necklace because I don't want to give Christians a wrong name. I'm suppose to be salt and light to a dark world. Jesus is so awesome and He loves me so much and He wants to give a good life...SO WHY THE HELL AM I TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH THE DEVIL!

I'm so mad right now I could scream! It's an all out battle now for my life. I can either partner up with God to get it back, or let the devil steal from me.

Dear Lord, I'm sorry sinning for against you. I don't deserve anything from you. I know that I am your child and I know that I able to come boldly to the throne so here I am demanding that you help me fight this battle because I cannot do it alone! Help me to turn from my wicked ways. Help me to put on the full armor of God so I am prepared to fight. I'm powerless without you. My life is a living hell without you. I need your mercy and grace. You are so Holy and worthy of all my praise. Thank you for saving me and thank you for not ending my life yet. Thank you for giving me hope and giving me a future.



Therefore let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light. NKJV
Rom 13:12


...if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. NKJV
2 Chron 7:14


...take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth... NKJV
Eph 6:13-14


He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. NKJV
Ps 147:3


Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence, and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me by Your generous Spirit. NKJV
Ps 51:10-12

Angry from the pain

This eating disorder is making me angry. I hate the way it makes me act and think. This monster within me is trying to destroy me. I'm not going to let it overcome me. God's strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Another day

We had bible study tonight and God gave me the opportunity to share with a couple girls about my eating disorder. I'm surprised I didn't cry while I was telling them about it. Especially after the day I had today battling this disorder. It was weird though because before we broke up from our big group to join together with our small group, I felt this feeling come over me that I can't explain and I had tears starting to form in my eyes and I could have started to cry if I would have allowed myself to.

I hope I get free from this soon because I hate the way this bondage to food makes me act. It effects my moods and attitudes and makes me a selfish person. I think one of the things that will help me to get free from this bondage is to get my mind off myself and starting thinking of what I can do for someone else. What can I do to help someone else. Because I know that once I start to focus on helping other's with their problems, God will take care of mine. That's what I did the last time I was depressed and God healed me and I became closer to Him in the process.

It's a boy!

This morning I became an aunt! God blessed us with a healthy baby boy named Peyton. He was born at 7:10 am and weighted 7lb and 8oz and is 20 inches long. It's days like this that I really miss not being around my family back in Oklahoma.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Click here to read "Valentine's Day with Jesus" poem by Marilyn Ferguson


1 John 4:7 - Let us love one another, for love comes from God.


And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39 (NLT)

God's grace makes me smile

Grace....that word makes me smile every time. I can't even explain how great God's grace is. We are nothing without God's grace. We can do nothing without God's grace. We need God's grace and He so lovingly gives it too us as a free gift. We don't deserve it and there's nothing we can do to earn it.

The further I come in my walk with God, the more I realize just how amazing God's grace is. But the thing is, my walk with God has just begun. I can't even imagine how wonderful His grace will feel years from now, let alone how much in awe I will be of it in eternity. The more I learn about God and His grace, the more I am aware of His Holiness (which my earthly mind can't even comprehend how Holy He really is) and how broken and dirty we are and how much we desperately need His grace.

Lately I had forgotten a lesson that I learned about God's grace when He saved me. But by His loving mercy, He is teaching me again. God had to humble me again. I had become prideful about my relationship with God and I had hardened my heart. I lost touch with Him and I tried to get my relationship back by doing works, but a lot of my works were works done in vain. The more I tried to please Him by my works, the more frustrated I became and the less peace and joy I had. I didn't understand it. I'm tried so hard to be this perfect Christian so I could please Him and make Him happy, but that whole time, He was pleased with me. What I needed was His grace and He wanted to give me grace but I wasn't receiving it.

There is nothing that I did to earn God's grace. He so freely gave it to me. I don't know why He gives me favor. There is nothing about me that makes me better than anybody else in this world. I'm a sinner like everybody else. I'm not perfect and I screw up all the time. But that is what makes His grace so amazing.

I just love how God puts what we need in our paths. The past couple of weeks the message that God has been speaking to me was about grace. Last week's topic on Joyce Meyer's broadcast was about grace. Plus today, the evening sermon at church ministered so much to my heart. It was about the story of Ruth and Boaz and He used that story to portray how our relationship is with God and how much favor He has for us. The whole time He was speaking and praying, I couldn't help but smile. I knew that before I went to church tonight, that the sermon would be awesome by the way my feelings were telling me not to go. I was tired from work, I didn't want to drive 30 minutes away to go to church, there is things I need to do at home, I feel fat, etc, etc, etc.... Plus, my friend said that she wasn't going to go with me but it's a good thing that I made up my mind before she called deciding that whether or not she goes, I'm still going no matter what. The devil obviously wanted to stop me from going. Good thing I choose not to walk by the flesh.

Perserverance

Perservance has to do with overcoming difficulties. Not just surviving them, but overcoming them by responding to them with faith and joy. The problems that we face will develop our perserverance, which in turn will strengthen our character, deepen our trust in God, & give us greater confidence about the future.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1:2-4

"through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." -Romans 5:2-5

Secretly falling apart

I'm secretly falling apart. I hate walking around faking a smile most of the time. Jesus didn't die on the cross to give me this life. He died so that I could enjoy life and live in peace and have an over abundance of joy. I have hope and I know that Jesus is here every minute to help me and His mercy is new everyday but I just have to coorperate with Him and seek Him and be patient or I will never will be free from this ugliness. I just want to say home but I can't. I have to work. I just pray that my clothes fit so I have something to wear to work. My big pants are starting to get tight and I don't have the money to blow to compensate for my sin. I've already spent enough money on food.

I hate having secrets. I feel so dirty and I want to be free. I have to get this off my chest and I need to get this out in the open. We started a small group up and we have met 2 times already. I want to let them know what's going on because I know the power in being humble and transparent with people. It's a important step in healing. The first meeting would have been a good time for me to share with them what's going on but I backed away from doing it. I was hoping our last meeting last week would be a good time but it turned out to not be a good time to share with them about it. I can't wait another week and a half. I hate living like this. I have to get it out. I'm feeling led to write an email to everyone explaining my situation to them. I've met most of them July/August time and they still don't know about the secret sin I've been battling the whole time I've been in California. It's time for me to be transparent with them.

Oh Lord, heal my body and help me to get my life back. Give me an intense desire to love you more than food. Help me have the strength to praise you through my pain and bless me with endurance to make it through this battle. I can't do it by myself and I know that the battle is not for me to fight. Help me to desperately lean on you instead of taking the burden upon myself to fight in my own strength. Help me to patiently wait for you to work through my life. I can't thank you enough for all the mercy and grace you have given me that I don't deserve. Thank you for your loving (but painful) correction that lets me know that I'm a child of God and thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for giving me the hope and faith to believe that you will rescue me and bring me out of this season of harsh winter. In Jesus name, Amen

I'm a cracked pot....

I'm still wondering around the wilderness.... It makes me smile that God knew I would act this way all along and yet He still choose me anyway. Amazing.....I'm so screwed up but God picked me to work through to bring Him glory! His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Obviously, God doesn't choose perfect people to work through. Jesus came for the broken & sick. That way there's no way we take credit for the glory...it's all God.

As Joyce Meyer says, "We are all cracked pots". "God chooses cracked pots and He puts His glory in us because His glory and power shine through the cracks in our lives and people know that it's God." If we didn't have cracks in our pots, then there wouldn't be any way for His light to shine through.