Secretly falling apart

I'm secretly falling apart. I hate walking around faking a smile most of the time. Jesus didn't die on the cross to give me this life. He died so that I could enjoy life and live in peace and have an over abundance of joy. I have hope and I know that Jesus is here every minute to help me and His mercy is new everyday but I just have to coorperate with Him and seek Him and be patient or I will never will be free from this ugliness. I just want to say home but I can't. I have to work. I just pray that my clothes fit so I have something to wear to work. My big pants are starting to get tight and I don't have the money to blow to compensate for my sin. I've already spent enough money on food.

I hate having secrets. I feel so dirty and I want to be free. I have to get this off my chest and I need to get this out in the open. We started a small group up and we have met 2 times already. I want to let them know what's going on because I know the power in being humble and transparent with people. It's a important step in healing. The first meeting would have been a good time for me to share with them what's going on but I backed away from doing it. I was hoping our last meeting last week would be a good time but it turned out to not be a good time to share with them about it. I can't wait another week and a half. I hate living like this. I have to get it out. I'm feeling led to write an email to everyone explaining my situation to them. I've met most of them July/August time and they still don't know about the secret sin I've been battling the whole time I've been in California. It's time for me to be transparent with them.

Oh Lord, heal my body and help me to get my life back. Give me an intense desire to love you more than food. Help me have the strength to praise you through my pain and bless me with endurance to make it through this battle. I can't do it by myself and I know that the battle is not for me to fight. Help me to desperately lean on you instead of taking the burden upon myself to fight in my own strength. Help me to patiently wait for you to work through my life. I can't thank you enough for all the mercy and grace you have given me that I don't deserve. Thank you for your loving (but painful) correction that lets me know that I'm a child of God and thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for giving me the hope and faith to believe that you will rescue me and bring me out of this season of harsh winter. In Jesus name, Amen