Frustrated to tears
Today was the first day I actually cried since I have lived in California. There has been many other days in which I felt like crying but never did. One particular situation set me off but I think I had a lot of frustrations and hurts built up that needed to get out.
A couple days ago I was talking to the ladies that work in the office at my apartment complex. One was asking me who the new guy was and I was like, what new guy. She was surprised to hear that I haven't met any men yet that I'm interested in. She asked me what I was looking for and I told her a nice attractive Christian man aged 22-30 who likes to work out. Regarding the working out preference...I'm not superficial but if I'm going to own a gym some day, it would be nice to have a partner who likes to work out. Plus it would be nice to have someone to work out with me now. Any way, they started thinking of people and they came up with a 24 year old blue eyes, blond haired man who is on fire for God. He is the youth pastor at their church and they wanted me to meet him. They go to church on Sundays and Thursdays and since I had off Thursday, I told them I would go with them on Thursday. Because I was going to go with them on Thursday, my original plans I had for my day off got changed. I didn't have any major plans with anyone else, I just had things I needed to get done. Since I was going to be meeting someone, I put extra effort in finding an outfit to wear and put extra effort in fixing myself up. Well time came for me to meet them and I waited for 40 minutes and they never showed up. Rejected....That made me so mad to get stood up. I rearranged my schedule and I wasted all that time getting ready to do something only to not do it. What made me even more mad was I got stood up by two ladies who are probably in there late 30's, early 40's, whom I trusted who wanted to take me to CHURCH........What's wrong with that picture!!!!
I was so furious. Since I was all done up I didn't just want to go home and be by myself. I didn't really want to go shopping because I did that earlier today. What I really wanted to do was go to a book store and just browse and read a little and calm down. Plus I would be in environment with others. That's when another frustration came out. The town I live in, population of about 145,000, doesn't have a big nice bookstore because most people around here don't read! The libraries around here are only open like 20 hours a week. Everybody is too busy messing around and having babies out of wed lock and getting high off drugs and buying things they can't afford... It not my place to judge and I'm far from perfect myself but I'm just frustrated because I'm in a new environment that's not like the one I left. Plus I'm feeling the effects of being a minority in more ways than one. Living here is definitely making my Christian walk a little tougher.
Even though the world is full of sin and every city you go to is going to have sin, I believe God wanted me to come here so He could do some major work in my life and attitude. Because of the particular job I have in this city I live in, He has put me around many hard to get along people and I'm pretty sure it because He is going to do some major pruning in my love walk. Plus I know that if something is wrong in the world that I know about and God is dealing with me about, then it's my responsibility to pray about it. He is making me very aware of the people and things I need to be praying for. I could be the only one who prays for a certain individual. I am so blessed to have been given such a important responsibility from God. Plus, even more importantly, I could be the only 'bible' these people read. That's one more reason why I need to strive to live a life that displays an authentic love for Jesus. There are enough phonies in this world, and more than enough in the church of God. Religion has given Christianity a bad name and it's sad.
When the world looks at me, what will they see? Someone who's just like all the other "religious" people they see, who talks a good talk but doesn't live it out? Or will they see someone who's genuinely in love with Jesus and striving to live for Him with the help of the Holy Spirit? I pray it's the latter. I hope when they look at me, in the good times and the bad, that they see someone who is genuine in their love for Jesus, showing in everything I do and say.
1 John 2:6 (NLT) - Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Christ did.
On another thought, I'm very happy with myself because even though I was frustrated and mad, I didn't sin by choosing to eat something that I shouldn't eat and I didn't binge either although my flesh wanted me to. Usually in this type of situation I would have binged on junk. I'm one step closer to my victory!
A couple days ago I was talking to the ladies that work in the office at my apartment complex. One was asking me who the new guy was and I was like, what new guy. She was surprised to hear that I haven't met any men yet that I'm interested in. She asked me what I was looking for and I told her a nice attractive Christian man aged 22-30 who likes to work out. Regarding the working out preference...I'm not superficial but if I'm going to own a gym some day, it would be nice to have a partner who likes to work out. Plus it would be nice to have someone to work out with me now. Any way, they started thinking of people and they came up with a 24 year old blue eyes, blond haired man who is on fire for God. He is the youth pastor at their church and they wanted me to meet him. They go to church on Sundays and Thursdays and since I had off Thursday, I told them I would go with them on Thursday. Because I was going to go with them on Thursday, my original plans I had for my day off got changed. I didn't have any major plans with anyone else, I just had things I needed to get done. Since I was going to be meeting someone, I put extra effort in finding an outfit to wear and put extra effort in fixing myself up. Well time came for me to meet them and I waited for 40 minutes and they never showed up. Rejected....That made me so mad to get stood up. I rearranged my schedule and I wasted all that time getting ready to do something only to not do it. What made me even more mad was I got stood up by two ladies who are probably in there late 30's, early 40's, whom I trusted who wanted to take me to CHURCH........What's wrong with that picture!!!!
I was so furious. Since I was all done up I didn't just want to go home and be by myself. I didn't really want to go shopping because I did that earlier today. What I really wanted to do was go to a book store and just browse and read a little and calm down. Plus I would be in environment with others. That's when another frustration came out. The town I live in, population of about 145,000, doesn't have a big nice bookstore because most people around here don't read! The libraries around here are only open like 20 hours a week. Everybody is too busy messing around and having babies out of wed lock and getting high off drugs and buying things they can't afford... It not my place to judge and I'm far from perfect myself but I'm just frustrated because I'm in a new environment that's not like the one I left. Plus I'm feeling the effects of being a minority in more ways than one. Living here is definitely making my Christian walk a little tougher.
Even though the world is full of sin and every city you go to is going to have sin, I believe God wanted me to come here so He could do some major work in my life and attitude. Because of the particular job I have in this city I live in, He has put me around many hard to get along people and I'm pretty sure it because He is going to do some major pruning in my love walk. Plus I know that if something is wrong in the world that I know about and God is dealing with me about, then it's my responsibility to pray about it. He is making me very aware of the people and things I need to be praying for. I could be the only one who prays for a certain individual. I am so blessed to have been given such a important responsibility from God. Plus, even more importantly, I could be the only 'bible' these people read. That's one more reason why I need to strive to live a life that displays an authentic love for Jesus. There are enough phonies in this world, and more than enough in the church of God. Religion has given Christianity a bad name and it's sad.
When the world looks at me, what will they see? Someone who's just like all the other "religious" people they see, who talks a good talk but doesn't live it out? Or will they see someone who's genuinely in love with Jesus and striving to live for Him with the help of the Holy Spirit? I pray it's the latter. I hope when they look at me, in the good times and the bad, that they see someone who is genuine in their love for Jesus, showing in everything I do and say.
1 John 2:6 (NLT) - Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Christ did.
On another thought, I'm very happy with myself because even though I was frustrated and mad, I didn't sin by choosing to eat something that I shouldn't eat and I didn't binge either although my flesh wanted me to. Usually in this type of situation I would have binged on junk. I'm one step closer to my victory!
posted by ENS at 11:14 PM
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