Compassion

Yet another thing gained from the accident. It was probably a month or so ago when I prayed one of those prayers that you pray because you know that you need to for the sake of your maturity, but at the same time, you are scared to because you know that you are going to have to go through some trial or situation to get that maturity. Well anyway, I got the desire to pray for compassion for others, something I am really lacking in.

It was last Tuesday when I left work and went back to the doctor because I was in so much pain. He said it was really infected and that the antibiotics I was taking weren't working. He gave me an antibiotic shoot and prescribed me a stronger antibiotic medicine and vicadin. I'm not one who likes to take pills (only when it's definitely necessary) and I very rarely take tylinol. I'm one of those people who would rather tough it out and suffer through the pain than to take something. I went back to work and but I wasn't going to take the vicadin till I got home because our new market manager, whom I would be meeting for the first time, was coming to the store to visit. Since I've never taken vicadin before, my co-workers advised me not to take it till I got home because it may make me a little loopy. I didn't get off till 7 and I was having a major craving for watermelon so I limped into the store to get the watermelon and on the way out to my car I'm thinking, oh my God I'm in so much pain it's unbelievable. I couldn't wait to get my body home and shove that pain pill down my throat. As I was driving out of the parking lot, God spoke to me about the prayer I prayed and about my compassion for others.

Since going through this whole situation, I have a little more compassion for others. My situation, that seemed so minor, turned into something that caused me major pain. It will cause me to think twice about evaluating in my head about how much pain someone is really having by looking at their situation. A lot of times I will just think, oh they just need to tough it out and they are ok.

Hopefully now I can be more compassionate about the pain others are feeling. Although, I know that there are more trials ahead because I'm not even close to being where I need to be in this area. It makes me wonder what I will experience next.... Thank God because He is here to help me through it every step of the way!

A couple things learned

Just a couple of the many things I learned this last week.

One thing I learned about my rollerblading accident is that if you don't spend enough time seeking God that you need to because you think you are too busy, He will find some why to take back the time from you anyway. I spent around 9 hours waiting to see the doctor, it took me a lot longer to get around and get ready because of the pain I had and because of where the wounds were located, along all with the extra time it took to clean and dress the wounds.

That goes for your tithes also. Not tithing 10% is stealing from God. It's God's money and if you don't give it back to him, He will get it back from you some how. Because I rarely get the opportunity to go to church because of work, I have to send my tithes in the mail. Because of my bad habit called procrastination, a missed a "payment" and I believe I'm paying for it now.

Another thing He is teaching me by this accident is to quit trying to make up my own wonderful plans and give ALL control to Him. Since I was hurt, I freaked out about not being about to work out at all. That made me mad because I was getting to the point where I was getting into the routine and I was finally starting to see the results. Plus, the fact that I am going to be seeing my friends and family in a week. I had this plan worked up in my head about what I was going to do to be as "prepared" image wise as I could in my own power that was with the time I had left. Even though I was frustrated at first, I gave my trust to Him, seeked HIS will, and He has been taking care of my body. I actually lost weight during the time that I haven't been able to work out. And it's not water weight because my clothes fit better. That's all God. He's gets all the glory and not I. Yes I had to cooperate with Him, but He is the great designer and maker. It shows me that no matter what I do in the natural, God has control over everything and I might as well stop trying to do it my way and do it His way.

Plus, He has been dealing with me again on the whole issue of the image thing. I try by my own works to look the best that I can and be prepared from my big trip home but I know that no matter what I do, God controls everything. First of all, God gives me beauty and I shouldn't worry about what others think about me. He created me and He is in constant progress on working on me. I'm not saying that I should take care of myself, but as long as I do what I feel like He is leading me to do, I shouldn't worry what other's think about my image. I should embrace the beauty He has blessed me with and not obsess about it.


But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33 KJV

I SEE SPRING AHEAD!

Once again, I can't even explain how glorious God is! God is healing my body and I have very little pain! After I spent an awesome experience with God on Tuesday, I woke up the next morning praising God and feeling refreshed and had a changed body.

I have been without internet since Monday (my internet provider's had connection issues where I live) and I haven't been able to workout because of the accident, so without those distractions, I have able to focus on God more & He has been showing me things to learn from my accident and about the amount of time I spend on my relationship with Him.

More good news is that I'm so excited because I'm starting to see spring ahead!!!!!!!!!!!! Hallelujah! Praise God!

Pain increasing

The pain in my leg is increasing from the infection and it is so bad it hurts really bad just to walk. I've been limping around all around work and today was even worse. When I came back from lunch, the pain from walking was almost putting me into tears. People can even see the big bulge of swelling through my pants. I need to go back to the doctor tomorrow. My hand, on the other hand, is looking much better and doesn't hurt as much as before so that makes me really happy. I just need feel blessed that this is all the damaged that happen because this accident could have done so much more damage to my body.

Crash & burn

Yesterday was a very adventurous day to say the least. I was rollerblading along a trail(s) that runs 40 miles or so along the coast and wasn't to familiar with the trail at all. To make a long story short, I decided to be daring and take a different route back in hopes that it would led me back to where I needed to be. I found out a little to late that the trail was not rollerblading friendly (slope wise) and it was to late to turn around. I was going down super fast when I freaked out and majorly crashed and fastly slid a good amount down the rough cement. First of all, I was happy I was able to get up but the skin on my palm is pretty screwed up and has a nasty wound. My favorite workout pants had a big hole ripped in them right below my butt cheek and the bottoms of my pant where all shredded. The skin on my outer thigh is pretty screwed up as well. The skate back to the car was a pretty humbling experience with a big hole in my pants around the butt area along with a palm dripping w/ blood. I was hoping that a cutie would see me and feel sorry for me and ask me if I needed any help, but I didn't get lucky. I didn't realize till I got home how bad it was. I have a high tolerance for pain but I was hurting pretty bad. I was pleading out to God to help me through it. I started to get scared because I was pretty sure that both of the wounds were infected. I went to the doctor today and sure enough they were.

This whole experience is frustrating. I'm just glad though that I didn't get severely injured because the potential was there.

So in awe of God right now

I can't even begin to explain how awesome God is. I am so amazed by Him daily.

So here I was, lifting weights at the gym, when I got the desire to pray and ask God to help me make an impact on every person's life that I come in contact with at the gym. I want them to see something different about me. I want to be salt and light. I want them to see God in me and I want to prove that eating what God created in the purest form (at least as pure and natural as we can get in this day and age) has the power to heal the body (or the body has the power to heal itself if you feed it what it needs) and the raw natural food lifestyle will not leave you weak but it will strengthen and energize the body. When I mean prove, I don't mean convict, critize or preach to others of about what's wrong with their lifestyle unless God leads me to do so. I'm not perfect in any shape or form, and I'm just doing what I feel led to do. What God leds me to do can be totally different than what He wants someone to do. I'm just going to go on living my life striving to do the will of God, and if I do something the enlightens someone else in the process, awesome.

It was about 5 minutes after I prayed that prayer, while I was resting in between sets, when this man came up to me and said with a smile, "Dang, where do you get all your energy.......because there's a lot of you" or something along the lines of that. I was in so awe of the moment and surprise by his honestly about my weight that the only thing that came out of my mouth was "yah", with a big smile. I almost proceed to say that the cool thing about the energy is that my body is being powered by raw fruits, vegetables and nuts (and God of course). But I hesitated, and the opportunity lasted only but a few seconds. I didn't feel hurt by his comment about my body. I not afraid to tell people I'm 5' 8.5" tall and weigh 160lbs. I know that God gives me my beauty and I'm beautiful no matter what others think is beautiful. He is doing some major work on my body and it all starts on the inside and it slowly works itself to the outside. Many people can't see it now, but just wait.... Even though I wasn't able to answer the man this time, I have faith that God will give me many more opportunities to share with others.

It was about an hour later when I was in the sauna room when I got another opportunity to share with others about my Lord and Savior. I'm so amazed by the way He works. I was getting ready to get out of the sauna, and once again, God changes my plans. There were two other people in the room with me, a women and a man and they didn't know each other. I'm guessing they were probably both in their 50's. Anyway, they were talking about language. Both were Hispanic, the man talked mostly Spanish and knows enough English to get by. The woman used to be fluent in Spanish because of her parents, but since she has been away from them, she has forgot most of it and talks English. They were talking amongst themselves but right before I was about to get up and leave, they included me in their conversation.

The man asked me what language(s) I spoke. Then he asked me how long I lived here. I said I moved here about 4 1/2 months from Oklahoma. She asked me what brought me here and I was able to share with them about how I felt like I was called by God to come here. There were both amazed about the situation and the major change. I highly stressed that the only way I was able to do such a thing was because God enabled and strengthened me every step of the way. They asked me about where I work and that amazed them also. They both think that the store is crazy and hectic and she said I must have a lot of patience. Once again I gave God the glory and said that there would be no way possible that I could do such a thing without His help.

It was an awesome conversation and we talked about so many things and I can't remember every thing we talked about. I was given the opportunity to share with them about a couple of ways of how God has changed me. Some how the conversation led her to ask me if I was single and then she started talking about her 2 sons. One is 19, the other is 25. She talked about their personalities and how they are Christians. We talked about dating and she talked about some of her sons dating experiences he has dealt with. She then asked if I would be interested in her giving me her oldest son's number or if I would want him to come meet me at work. I preferably don't like people setting me up but I figured what the heck, it can't hurt and I could gain a friend by it. I didn't get the number and said he can come by work and see me. It's kinda crazy because he will know who I am before I know who he is. Oh well. It was a pleasure meeting Kathy and I hope it's also I pleasure meeting her son.

After those 2 experiences, I am so on fire for God. It's a wonderful, supernatural high to know that God approves of me and He is helping me become a vessel He can work through. I came home and prayed an amazing prayer and I gave God so much glory. It was probably one of my most powerful prayers. I have faith that He heard every word and that it be manifested. The devil better just watch out!!!!!!

My works

I've been stressing out about some things in my life (I know better) and I got impatient and started making my own plans as of how I was going to fix things. I am so frustrated and mad because my plan isn't working. And once again, God informs me that I need to give up my selfish pride, humble myself, be patient and give it All to Him. I need to walk by the spirit instead of by my works of the flesh. If I don't, I'm just going to waste even more of my precious time and money trying to do things my way. I can do nothing without Him!

Thank God tomorrow is a new day

Today was one of those days at work where you just want to turn around and walk right out the door after you arrive. The madness started the minute I got there and didn't stop till I left. It was definitely a day of testing in more ways than one. I think I got tested well over 100 times on just my attitude the first hour I was there. Thank God I was able to spend a little extra time this morning getting in the word and praying. The original plan was to wake up early and work out but I didn't quite wake up the time I planned to so I decided I would say home instead and spend that time being spiritually feed. I was so calm and energized and was ready to have the wonderful attitude that a Christian should have before work.

Thank God tomorrow is a new day and that Jesus is here to help me every step of my journey! He is my strength & I am nothing and can do nothing without Him.

Negative attitude

Today I spent a lovely afternoon hanging out with a friend whom I met through the young adult church group that I'm involved in (well at least semi-involved in when my work schedule allows). She moved her about almost a year ago from Utah. I don't get to see her much because both our schedules are random, so it was good to finally get to see her again.

It wasn't till after I left her house and I was driving home when God convicted me of something. He convicted me of having a negative attitude. Which was extremely true. As much as I recall, I don't think I really praised God with anything that we said in our conversation through out the day. We complained about being single (although, we have hope and are not bitter about it and we know that we are not ready yet), about living in an area where we stand out because we are the minority and where there seems to be no single white attractive men our age around, about living in an area where the culture and how people are raise is so different than what we are used to, about our crazy work schedule and job, and probably about some more negative things. We talked a lot about God but I don't recall once saying that it is a blessing to be single, that God is strengthening my love walk because I'm learning to be a better person while living in a diverse community, that it's a blessing to actually have a job, etc.

My mentality was so out of line today and I didn't bring God any glory. The crazy thing is that the CD message that I was listening to and from her house (she lives like 30 minutes away) was a message by Joyce Meyer titled "Has Your Get Up and Go, Got Up and Gone". Pretty much she was talking about how it isn't a feeling we have but a choice we must make to remain positive and to be on fire for the Lord, and how the quality of our life depends on our attitude.

This is just yet another thing I have to work on and ask God to help me with. :-)

“This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalm 118.24)

Stand still & do it afraid

I believe that God wants me to work where I work and do what I do because He needs do some major pruning of my character through my job. Character is something that was to be learned. I need to stop running from what I fear at work so I can become all that He wants me to be.

I am a very introverted person and talking in front of people freaks me out sometimes. I fear getting up in front of people. I also sometimes fear confronting people at work about what they are doing wrong. These are two really big problems when you are a manager. I have become somewhat passive in my job and I avoid as much conflict as I possibly can but it is starting to eat away at my peace. There are things that I know I should be doing and people I should be dealing with but I'm running from it because of fear. The thing is why do I fear this? I can understand why I fear talking in front of a group of people because I'm too worried about what others think of me but why do I fear dealing with people on what the should be doing at work? If I let my feeling of fear control me here at work, I won't be doing what God whats me to do and how can I hope to go on and do anything else that He has for my life?

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm {and} well-balanced mind {and} discipline {and} self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7 (Amplified Bible)

Joyce Meyer's messages the last two days deal with having a courageous spirit. I need to stand still and do it afraid. I am not anointed to be a quitter and I need to stop letting the devil steal my destiny. If I remain confident and fearless and go ahead and do it, I will receive a glorious reward.

God will put us into a situation that we would rather not be in but we must stand still and see the revelation of God. God is not going to ask us to do something that we are not prepared to do. The is no promise that we won't feel fear. But when we do, God will strengthen us to do what He wants us to do in the midst of our feelings of fear. Stop running from everything that is hard. We are anointed for hard things. We are the children of God and He enables us to do what ordinary, everyday people can not.

Fear is a demon spirit. If Satan can get us to bow down to those feelings of fear, then we are stopped from doing what God wants us to do. Jesus said, "Fear not, for I am with you." Fear means to run away from; to take flight. When we fear, don't run. We are going to feel fear but Jesus wants to stand still and do it afraid. Look at God, not the giants. God will deliver us from our enemies little by little.

21 "No, do not be afraid of those nations, for the LORD your God is among you, and he is a great and awesome God. 22 The LORD your God will drive those nations out ahead of you little by little. You will not clear them away all at once, for if you did, the wild animals would multiply too quickly for you. 23 But the LORD your God will hand them over to you. He will throw them into complete confusion until they are destroyed. 24 He will put their kings in your power, and you will erase their names from the face of the earth. No one will be able to stand against you, and you will destroy them all. Deuteronomy 7: 21 - 24 NLT

Book finally received

Ok, about 2 weeks ago, I sent my ex-boyfriend's, ex-girlfriend a Joyce Meyer book in the mail because I felt led by God to do such a radical thing. When I sent it, I paid extra to send it priority mail (delivered in an average of 2-3 days) because I was so excited to bless her and I didn't want to wait. I didn't include my return address because I wanted it to remain anonymous and I felt like if it is God's will, then she will get the package. Well, a couple of days ago, I came to the conclusion that either she got the package and was so freaked out about it that she didn't write about it on her xanga blog, or that it wasn't God's will after all. I figured the latter and I was just hoping that where ever the book did end up, that it would greatly bless the person.

Well, finally today (12 days later) she got the book in the mail. She was very excited to get a present in the mail but she was kinda upset after she read the title of the book (Managing Your Emotions by Joyce Meyer). Then she read my letter and she said that calmed her senses. She was very grateful and thankful that someone she didn't even know was thinking about her.

God's amazing grace

While I was burning some calories on the elliptical machine, I started to ponder on what I would write about this evening. Nothing really came to mind and I continued to think. Then all of a sudden, one of the TV's that are displayed on the wall in front of me started showing this commercial. I wasn't listening to the sound because I was listening to my MP3 player, but I knew exactly what commercial it was and what they were advertising.

It was from a center for stress and anxiety that offers an Attacking Anxiety and Depression program for self treatment of stress and anxiety. I almost forgot about that but I remember back, almost a year and a half ago, where I was so depressed that I called and ordered that program because I was out of answers and I couldn't take it any more. It was extremely expensive, at least for a college student's income, but I ordered it anyway in hopes of finding an answer to heal me from my depression. At that time, it seemed like a good deal to me. Once the product arrived, I really didn't actively do the program at all. I really can't remember what all was going on through my head as of why I didn't do it but I thank God they offered a 30-day money-back guarantee so I got my money back.

This commercial brings me back to the image of the person I used to be and I feel so thankful and blessed because of God's precious grace that he saved me from all of the hurt and shame of that lifestyle I used to live and He brought me up to a higher place. I think back about who I was and the actions and decisions I made and I am so amazed of the work God has done in me.

It was during that time, after I went through that devastating break up, along with one of my closest friends turning on me, while I was dealing with my eating disorders, and with everything else that was going wrong in my life, I fell apart and crumbled. My whole life flipped upside down. I lost my happiness and I didn't want to live anymore. I was so hurt and rejected and I didn't want to be in a world where I felt so broken and rejected. I had no purpose. I even had thoughts of suicide. Many times when I was driving down the road, I would think about turning the steering wheel really fast so I could have a major crash and die. Just as easy as a turn of the wheel, I would be dead, out of this world. The main reason why I never did anything like that is because I knew that it would devastate my parents. God has blessed me with amazing parents and they have always loved me and my sister unselfishly and there was no way I could cause them so much pain for my selfish actions.

It was during that time of brokenness that God started to reach His gracious hand to me and come after me. I always thought I was a Christian, but at the time, little did I know that I was heading down the wrong path to hell. It was weird because around that season in my life, I had this unexplainable feeling that I was going to die at a young age. I honestly think that one night I saw the devil in my room and he was coming to get me. It was the craziest thing. I remember watching Joyce Meyer earlier on TV and she was talking about something around the area of what to say when that day comes and what determines whether or not we will spend eternity in heaven or in hell. All I know is that I really didn't understand it all at the time. I do remember what she said to say and it was, "Because I am in Christ". So when the devil was in my presence, I was shocked and the only thing that came out of my mouth was, "Because I am in Christ". At the time, I didn't know it though, but I was not saved yet. But by God's amazing grave He gave me another chance. After that experience, I had so much more fear of God and I knew that I had to get serious about my walk with God.

It is so astonishing that God took this broken child, who was so screwed up that she wanted to die, someone that couldn't even get her self out of bed to go to work or to go to class but a couple hours per week, and He has brought me up to something beautiful. And everyday He brings me a little bit higher. Who would have thought that I would be living in California alone, working as an assistant manager? Both are something I never had the strength, confidence, desire, or knowledge to do till he saved me. Only by God's magnificent grace could that happen. Let alone, only by God grace did I not get fired from working like an average of 8 hours per week, coming in when ever I felt like working, and not get fired or coached. And the crazy thing is that I'm still with that company today. Absolutely amazing.....

Every day, especially at my job, I experience the grace of God. I make so many bad choices and decisions, and I don't act perfect, & I sin, but by the grace of God he still takes care of me and protects me from harm and destruction. He is too good to me. It is remarkable to see daily all the things He takes care of for me. It's the little things that I wouldn't even realize unless I understood how gracious He is to us. He gives me favor in all areas of my life and I don't deserve on teensy bit of his favor. I am not more special than any one else. He doesn't love me more than anyone else. I am no better an anyone else. This is the God we serve. He doesn't give up on us. He has unconditional love, forgiveness, acceptance and commitment. He’s the God without conditions.

I used to think that God is just keeping a record of all my mistakes and that He is waiting for me to screw up again and that i can never do anything right. I have beaten myself up pretty badly in the past about how I feel like I am not pleasing Him and how much I think that he is ashamed of me. But everyday, I become a little more aware of how merciful He is and no matter what I do, His love for me never changes. His amazing grace is new everyday and I'm so thankful for that.

Procrastination

Procrastination is an ugly word....& it is a very destructive habit of mine. This habit is getting out of hand and it is effecting all areas of my life, including my spirituality. Even with this blog for example, I have had many thoughts go through my head daily and the last time I posted something was Wednesday. I attempted to write something yesterday but I stopped half way through, saved it as a draft and planned on completing today, but I didn't do it today either. If I put it off, it makes it so much harder to write something. Also, at my job, if I'm not organized and if I procrastinate, it makes my job so much harder.

It is starting to frustrate me and stress me out and it is stealing my peace. Even putting the small things off that don't seem like a big deal to me loom into a bigger deal and continues to become larger till I do something about it. Putting off a task isn't going to make my situation better, it only makes it worse. It may appear at the time that I'm simplifying my life by putting it off, but the truth is that it is only making my life more complicated. When we procrastinate, we allow feelings of dread to control us. Over time, the sense that we're losing control can grow increasingly stronger and overwhelm us.

God has given us a Spirit of discipline (2 Timothy 1:7) and that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23), we'll be better equipped to resist the enemy's attempts to make us believe that we're incapable of following through. Proverbs 3:27-28 says, "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. Do not say to your neighbor, 'Come back later; I'll give it tomorrow'--when you now have it with you." God doesn't want us putting off doing good to others. When His Spirit prompts us to call someone,we need to be quick to respond. Our timely response can make a world of difference in someone else's life. While procrastination robs us of blessings, God promises us great rewards for practicing diligence. The Bible says that diligent hands "bring wealth" and "will rule." (Proverbs 10:4, 12:24) And Proverbs 13:4 says, "The desires of the diligent are fully satisfied."

Also, Proverbs 12:27 says, "The diligent man prizes his possessions." If we take special care of the things that God has given us (health, home, family, etc...), we show God and others that we are truly thankful for them. It delights the Lord, and it opens the door to even greater blessings if we have this kind of attitude.

Because of rotten fruit that I am sowing, I am putting off the blessings that I should be receiving. The devil is stealing my harvest. I need to pray & tap into the power of the Holy Spirit that has been given to me, and I will be able to overcome this highly destructive way of living.


"If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done." - Ecclesiates 11:4